I am trying so hard to be able to make it through the next few weeks. The difficulty I am having with hubby is just becoming more than I can even stand. It makes me angry, then weepy, then hopeful, then weepy again. I miss him, and love him, and hate him all at the same time.
The truth is: we have not had a "real" marriage in a very long time. He left me in January to return to work and I have only seen him once since. The struggles going on with us are overwhelming. I am just wanting to make it from day to day. I am not crying, or feeling weak. I am trying to find my place. He has asked me for six months to get his stuff together and set us up as a family. In all honesty, he has been out working, but his family has very rarely benefitted from it. I don't know what he spends his money on, but it isn't given to us. I just changed jobs, I am here by myself attempting to make it through until he can (or is willing to) assist in our care. I am not a greedy person.... all I have ever wanted was to have enough to make it through, but it always comes back to me having to do everything and go above and beyond to take care of my family, and asking my mother to bail me out of financial mess after financial mess.
I am sick of it......
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Life Reboot.... Do not adjust your screen
Yes, dear readers, it is I. I am sitting on the eve of the next great reboot in my life. Tomorrow I will walk into the hallowed halls of University of Houston as a full time, bona fide employee. Jazzed does not even describe the beginning of how this feels. For the longest time, my desire has been to become a part of a big university in some form or fashion, and begin the journey towards my eventual goals of becoming a librarian. Granted, the Graduate school of pharmacy isn't anywhere near the library, it would take about 30 minutes to even get there, but hey, it is a starting place, and I am grateful for it. I will have my own office, although humbler than the last one. I am so excited about this new grand adventure, and it begins tomorrow.
This will also give me an excuse to put the unpleasantness of the past behind me, and begin again, and be able to offer my children and my family a better life. I have been attempting to place some kind of humorous charicature on this experience, but there is none. I am getting yet another chance to start over, and I will take it and run.
This will also give me an excuse to put the unpleasantness of the past behind me, and begin again, and be able to offer my children and my family a better life. I have been attempting to place some kind of humorous charicature on this experience, but there is none. I am getting yet another chance to start over, and I will take it and run.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Last days
Today is my last day at work. I am filled with nostalgia, and sorrow. Mainly, because this is something I have been doing for two+ years and I actually finished it the right way. I followed through and finished it till the end. I am very sad to go and leave my office, which will probably be the only "corner" office I will ever have. I am sad to leave behind all my friends that I have made here, and the joy they bring to my life.
I am grateful for my new job, and the excitement and the positive influence I can bring to it. I am nervous about making a mistake, and doing something to make them regret hiring me.
I am sad to see one door close, but excited and nervous to have another open wide in front of me. I am grateful to my family and my friends for all their support. I am grateful to my children who have been patient and caring all the time while I am working. I have come so far since March 26, 2005 when I was asked to leave my home, and with two suitcases, two carseats, 2 babies and a Kindergartener I boarded a plane, and began the journey of starting over. That day I had nothing but the children in my arms, some clothes, and today, I am in a home, my children are growing, and I am on the threshold of something truly great.
I am, today, truly blessed. But I still have a long way to go
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Crime and punishments:2009
Well, since I am confident that nobody actually reads this blog on a regular basis, I am going to use it to get all my frustrations regarding my current difficulty out.
I got a phone call last week, from a woman who is claiming that my husband of 7 months is still married to her. My husband is a truck driver, and that profession carries a stereotype of having a woman in every truckstop in all corners of the United States. I have to admit though, my husband is not the one I would believe this about. He joined my church, and that doesn't speak of someone who is trying to maintain some kind of fraud, because that created another form of identification... a baptizm record. He speaks constantly of adopting my children, and making a family for us, and us retiring together on the shore of a mountain lake in Kentucky. He tells me that I am June Carter to his Johnny Cash. Both of us have been hurt. We have both been through divorces and dealt with cheating, so when I got this call, you could have knocked me over with a feather. *slight chants of Jerry! Jerry! rising*
Anyway, she has been bombarding me with phone calls, and facebook messages, etc, and all I can do is kind of sit back and mourn the happiness we had started to build... not that it was perfect, we are still struggling with money, and all, but things were actually working towards a goal.
I have performed every background check I can find. I have spent close to $100, and found nothing. There is no documentation of any legitimate marriage between these people. Hubby has admitted a live-in relationship with this woman, but claims that it was her obsession with him that ended the relationship and that they were never legally married. What he failed to take into account was the legal rammafications of a common law situation. *Ignores the deafening chants of "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!*
What has in fact happened is nothing malicious, but surmounts to a huge clerical error. This woman took his name, and they cohabitated for a period longer than 2 years. In any legal light, this constitutes a common law marriage. However, he was not legally divorced from his first wife until January of 06... which leaves it open to judicial interpretation as to whether or not an actual marriage exists.
My head is spinning, and I am waiting any moment for Jeff Foxworthy to bring me my free lifetime membership to the trailer park. The short of it is: I don't want this much drama in my life!!!!!! I love my husband that is true, but I have lost people before, and while it is tragic when a marriage relationship ends, I will survive. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them. I don't want to be with someone who is asking me to divide his attention with anything besides employment. My family is important to me, more important than any man.
Now, I know what you are all thinking, I should turn my tragedy into a reality competition show... make a million dollars, and retire. No... I think not. I am going to do what everyone on the Rock of Love Bus would never do........... nothing. I don't want a man I have to fight for. I don't want to have to engage in a stripper pole dance off, or a catfight in a vat of chocolate pudding. If someone is going to be married to me, they have to love, honor, cherish, and nookie only me. Anything else is not acceptable.
So, forget any hair pulling episodes of Jerry Springer. This girl is moving on with her life, and should my husband choose to do so at my side, then all other circumstances will have to be dealt with and resolved, and put in the past. It is up to him. I am moving forward, with or without him.
I got a phone call last week, from a woman who is claiming that my husband of 7 months is still married to her. My husband is a truck driver, and that profession carries a stereotype of having a woman in every truckstop in all corners of the United States. I have to admit though, my husband is not the one I would believe this about. He joined my church, and that doesn't speak of someone who is trying to maintain some kind of fraud, because that created another form of identification... a baptizm record. He speaks constantly of adopting my children, and making a family for us, and us retiring together on the shore of a mountain lake in Kentucky. He tells me that I am June Carter to his Johnny Cash. Both of us have been hurt. We have both been through divorces and dealt with cheating, so when I got this call, you could have knocked me over with a feather. *slight chants of Jerry! Jerry! rising*
Anyway, she has been bombarding me with phone calls, and facebook messages, etc, and all I can do is kind of sit back and mourn the happiness we had started to build... not that it was perfect, we are still struggling with money, and all, but things were actually working towards a goal.
I have performed every background check I can find. I have spent close to $100, and found nothing. There is no documentation of any legitimate marriage between these people. Hubby has admitted a live-in relationship with this woman, but claims that it was her obsession with him that ended the relationship and that they were never legally married. What he failed to take into account was the legal rammafications of a common law situation. *Ignores the deafening chants of "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!*
What has in fact happened is nothing malicious, but surmounts to a huge clerical error. This woman took his name, and they cohabitated for a period longer than 2 years. In any legal light, this constitutes a common law marriage. However, he was not legally divorced from his first wife until January of 06... which leaves it open to judicial interpretation as to whether or not an actual marriage exists.
My head is spinning, and I am waiting any moment for Jeff Foxworthy to bring me my free lifetime membership to the trailer park. The short of it is: I don't want this much drama in my life!!!!!! I love my husband that is true, but I have lost people before, and while it is tragic when a marriage relationship ends, I will survive. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them. I don't want to be with someone who is asking me to divide his attention with anything besides employment. My family is important to me, more important than any man.
Now, I know what you are all thinking, I should turn my tragedy into a reality competition show... make a million dollars, and retire. No... I think not. I am going to do what everyone on the Rock of Love Bus would never do........... nothing. I don't want a man I have to fight for. I don't want to have to engage in a stripper pole dance off, or a catfight in a vat of chocolate pudding. If someone is going to be married to me, they have to love, honor, cherish, and nookie only me. Anything else is not acceptable.
So, forget any hair pulling episodes of Jerry Springer. This girl is moving on with her life, and should my husband choose to do so at my side, then all other circumstances will have to be dealt with and resolved, and put in the past. It is up to him. I am moving forward, with or without him.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Pre-Tween drama and Dirty words
I have three beautiful children... at least on days I don't want to throttle them, and the oldest will be 10 this summer. So, according to the new hip-parenting lingo he is a pre-tween. Not a kid but not yet a pre-adolecent. Well, it seems as if he is entering the difficult phases of puberty without the puberty. Last night he asked me some incredibly uncomfortable questions about his anatomy and what is acceptable to do with it, and I was totally taken aback. My husband, being the person he is, is of course not home and I had to deal with it. Then I had to shower. Honestly, the idea of my son having any kind of thoughts about adult matters is just not something I am going to accept. Then, this morning, my son and his girlfriend (which is his best friend who happens to be a girl) were playing soccer at the bus stop and all heck broke loose when he missed a kick. Instead of rationally discussing the problem, he explodes and begins to curse like a.....well truck driver..... (thanks honey!) I had to calm the child down while attempting to dress my youngest child who is preparing for a career as an escape artist.
I am tired. I need a diet coke
I am tired. I need a diet coke
Monday, April 13, 2009
Gifts from God and other ways of making a mess
Dearest readers,
I am first and foremost a mother of three, and thus is my calling in life. However, I continually amaze and awe over the wide spectrum of distruction that can be caused by six little hands and six little feet.
We arrived home last night from our Easter trip to visit the kids' grandparents (code for my ex husband's parents) in Lytle, TX. This entire town is filled with two substances: 1.) God-fearing, hard working, small town Americans, and 2.) Dirt. It is the second substance by which my children gain the majority of their enjoyment while visiting in Lytle. When we arrived home yesterday, my youngest son, the angel blonde Paul Newman-blue-eyed- adonis of a little boy was essentially doing his impression of the peanuts character pig-pen. And with this impression, he left a trail of dirt from the car to the livingroom to the bedroom, to the bathroom that could make a white glove cry.
Now, I am the last person out there who is anal about cleaning. However, returning from Lytle makes even me cringe. I will now spend the next 4 days wondering how I am going to clean my house, and then Friday I will be depressed because I haven't cleaned it, then Saturday, I will clean it. And so it goes.....
I am first and foremost a mother of three, and thus is my calling in life. However, I continually amaze and awe over the wide spectrum of distruction that can be caused by six little hands and six little feet.
We arrived home last night from our Easter trip to visit the kids' grandparents (code for my ex husband's parents) in Lytle, TX. This entire town is filled with two substances: 1.) God-fearing, hard working, small town Americans, and 2.) Dirt. It is the second substance by which my children gain the majority of their enjoyment while visiting in Lytle. When we arrived home yesterday, my youngest son, the angel blonde Paul Newman-blue-eyed- adonis of a little boy was essentially doing his impression of the peanuts character pig-pen. And with this impression, he left a trail of dirt from the car to the livingroom to the bedroom, to the bathroom that could make a white glove cry.
Now, I am the last person out there who is anal about cleaning. However, returning from Lytle makes even me cringe. I will now spend the next 4 days wondering how I am going to clean my house, and then Friday I will be depressed because I haven't cleaned it, then Saturday, I will clean it. And so it goes.....
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Weekend vacation: Priceless
Well, dear readers, I have just returned from an extended weekend vacation in Dallas, TX. My darling husband and myself and our three demons... I mean children decided to meet in Dallas. Due to husband's very posh, and somewhat lavish employment as a truck driver, we don't get to see him at home very much, so when we do get together, we like to do things like eat a meal together, and sleep in the same room. So, our weekend in Dallas was supposed to be a little modest mini-vacay.... and it turned into an excuse to spend $85.95.
Our first stop was the motel... now my children have had an active discussion going on regarding the difference between a Motel and a Hotel. They came down to the fact that Motels are small and Hotels are huge... this place we stayed at was tiny, and it had no ventillation.... afterall the contact high we got from the people smoking weed down the hall was rather strong. This locale sparked our first outting on this mini-vacation and that was ROSS..... We needed to purchase additional pillows that had less bacteria and organisms in them, and thus went to buy them at Ross.... We spent $85.95.
We tried to go to Mideval Times which not only was sold out, but cost $85. for just myself and my husband, and each child would have been $36.50...so, instead we decided to drive a little farther and go to a truck driver's mecca known as Carl's Corner..... but that is a whole different blog. Let's just suffice to say we spent $85.95
The next day, Sunday, we lazed in the Motel for a while, and then decided to go have a bigger meal, and go to the mall. Afterall, one lavish meal won't kill us, we are gainfully employed people with decent jobs..... so we went to Saltgrass Steakhouse, and proceeded to personally consume a whole cow at our table.....with salad and garlic mashed potatoes... and the bill $85.95. The up side to this is that we watched in awe as three grown people dove in slow motion as a tray over flowing with 24oz beverages, bread boards, salads and a pitcher of beer went tumbling to the ground splashing over the extremely annoying, loud, over-priviledged brats (*author's note* I am usually a pretty tolerant person at a restaurant. Live and let live is my motto, however I do have a problem when a table of 10 teenage-esque girls are screaming at the top of their lungs, making fun of others in the dining room at full volume, discussing their boyfriend's sexual prowess or lack thereof, and genuinely being annoying) at the next table. Hubby looked at me and said "Look baby, they included a show!"
Monday, we were supposed to come home, but we didn't know how long it would take, so we decided to go kill some time. So we drove around scenic Hutchins, TX.... in other words exits 272-276 on Interstate 45 in texas, and that ate up about 15 minutes including the turnaround under the freeway.... None of us were hungry, but felt compelled to eat AGAIN... except this time we went to Carl's Jr, and there were those of us that were distraught not to find Paris Hilton washing her car in the parking lot.
We arrived home around 9 PM last night, and Hubby and I proceeded to begin tallying our expenditures for the weekend, and found that we had just about $85.95 to our names until payday on Thursday. All in all, a successful family vacation!
Our first stop was the motel... now my children have had an active discussion going on regarding the difference between a Motel and a Hotel. They came down to the fact that Motels are small and Hotels are huge... this place we stayed at was tiny, and it had no ventillation.... afterall the contact high we got from the people smoking weed down the hall was rather strong. This locale sparked our first outting on this mini-vacation and that was ROSS..... We needed to purchase additional pillows that had less bacteria and organisms in them, and thus went to buy them at Ross.... We spent $85.95.
We tried to go to Mideval Times which not only was sold out, but cost $85. for just myself and my husband, and each child would have been $36.50...so, instead we decided to drive a little farther and go to a truck driver's mecca known as Carl's Corner..... but that is a whole different blog. Let's just suffice to say we spent $85.95
The next day, Sunday, we lazed in the Motel for a while, and then decided to go have a bigger meal, and go to the mall. Afterall, one lavish meal won't kill us, we are gainfully employed people with decent jobs..... so we went to Saltgrass Steakhouse, and proceeded to personally consume a whole cow at our table.....with salad and garlic mashed potatoes... and the bill $85.95. The up side to this is that we watched in awe as three grown people dove in slow motion as a tray over flowing with 24oz beverages, bread boards, salads and a pitcher of beer went tumbling to the ground splashing over the extremely annoying, loud, over-priviledged brats (*author's note* I am usually a pretty tolerant person at a restaurant. Live and let live is my motto, however I do have a problem when a table of 10 teenage-esque girls are screaming at the top of their lungs, making fun of others in the dining room at full volume, discussing their boyfriend's sexual prowess or lack thereof, and genuinely being annoying) at the next table. Hubby looked at me and said "Look baby, they included a show!"
Monday, we were supposed to come home, but we didn't know how long it would take, so we decided to go kill some time. So we drove around scenic Hutchins, TX.... in other words exits 272-276 on Interstate 45 in texas, and that ate up about 15 minutes including the turnaround under the freeway.... None of us were hungry, but felt compelled to eat AGAIN... except this time we went to Carl's Jr, and there were those of us that were distraught not to find Paris Hilton washing her car in the parking lot.
We arrived home around 9 PM last night, and Hubby and I proceeded to begin tallying our expenditures for the weekend, and found that we had just about $85.95 to our names until payday on Thursday. All in all, a successful family vacation!
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