The Wisdom of Bohemian Rhapsody & other Songs & Reflections

Is this the real life-
Is this just fantasy-
Caught in a landslide-
No escape from reality-
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see-
Im just a poor boy, (girl)
i need no sympathy-
Because Im easy come,easy go,
A little high,little low,
Anyway the wind blows,
doesnt really matter to me,
To me.... ~Freddie Mercury


These words speak, of course by interpretation, to me and really kind of give me insight on my current situation. I am caught in a landslide of extremely poor luck/unfortunate circumstances. There is no escape from my reality. I live in the virtual groundhog day version of hell. I get up in the morning, I get the kids off to school, always worrying that Dustin is one kick or bite away from the special ed campus. I battle the traffic, and I do mean battle, getting to work. A 24 mile commute takes an hour to an hour and 15 minutes each morning. So I am usually late. This is always pointed out loudly when all the staff members have returned with their morning coffee.

I work, often without a break, until around 5 PM. Usually having to tell students that they will need to bring their issues back to me in the morning, because the office closes at 5. At 5 PM, I head for the door. I am usually out the door by 5:03, and to my car by 5:05. I get on the freeway which is less than a mile away at 5:26. I struggle, and often bend the law to make it home by 6. The kids are now in afterschool care. I discovered yesterday that when the program directors say they close at 6, this is actually "We are paid to stay until 6, but if you make us stay that late, we will hate you and make rude comments to you when you pick up your children!" I picked them up yesterday at 5:59, and got a three minute lecture on parental responsibility and paying attention to my children.

The same song and dance that I usually find at home with my children then started with my oldest child, regarding the television that is now sitting in my livingroom. He got used to having it in his room, and when I removed it, exclaimed his displeasure. He wants to be able to do nothing but play his playstation games, watch TV, and text on a cell phone with his friends. All of the above I have grounded him from for calling me names. The situation exploded with him throwing one of my diningroom chairs at myself and my other two children as we sat at dinner, and telling me that I am a "worthless piece of crap, and am going straight to hell." I can't say I can find much passion to disagree with him, but I am still not going to allow him to speak to me like that.

The whole mess going on in my personal life is getting worse. My estranged "husband" insists that he wants to be a family again, and that we can leave all this past mess behind me. He wants to be allowed back into my home, and my life, and promises that I won't have to worry about any of this anymore. I began the process of freeing myself from the legal entanglements involving my marriage to him. When I spoke with him yesterday, all the stress and emotion that has been building for the past few months exploded, and through tears, I exclaimed that I hoped I would die so at least I would be able to find peace and rest. He claimed to be turning in his resignation effective immediately, and heading for my house this morning. I guess we will see if he shows up.

I do beg for peace, with every prayer in my heart. I am not strong, or capable. I have a heart, and a dream for my life which doesn't matter outside of fulfilling responsibilities that should be shared, which are now squarely set on my solitary shoulders. I am going to keep going, get Dustin out of the house, and then hopefully find my peace. That indeed will be a joyous day. I fear, that it will come, and I will find myself alone.

~And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way'
Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain
Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one
~ November Rain (Guns N Roses)

Frustrations and Elizabeth Taylor

I, being the over-dramatic single mother that I am, sometimes get extremely frustrated with myself over the smallest things. This is nothing compared to what my son, Little Dude, goes through. He gets frustrated if ANYTHING is out of place, or doesn't go the way he expects. He not only dislikes change, he LOATHES it. This morning, we were pulling out of the driveway, and I started moving before the seatbelt clicked, and I had to stop. Pull back in the driveway, talk him down from the roof, and convince him to buckle it, then wait a count of 10, and then proceed.

I am beginning to feel as though I am in general competition with those grand dame multiple divorcee's. Just because i have made three huge relationship mistakes in my life doesn't make me Elizabeth Taylor. On the contrary.... she is rich! I have no plans to make a fourth mistake. I wish I could just let it go and just live happily as a single mother forever, and then see what really exists on the other side. Who knows, for all my suffering, I may get a younger, chaste, Antonio Banderas lookalike in Heaven. One can only dream......

Taking a break from depression

Taking a departure from my usual gloom and doom in my blog postings....

I ordered some catering from a restaurant in Houston today... a FRENCH restaurant.

Why is it when a man with an accent speaks to me, I automatically begin channeling Minnie Mouse? My voice was high and squeaky, and I had the uncontrollable urge to giggle endlessly. It is absolutely freaky how I allowed this frenchman to speak to me... all professionality went out the window.. he was asking me how tall I was and what color my eyes are.... I mean, the nerve!

I am STILL smiling and giggling to myself :)

The brightest day

I have been doing a great deal of thinking and reflecting over the last little bit about life and the nature of it. Things change so fast, and my children are growing so quickly that it is difficult to pinpoint some of the true MOMENTS that define happiness. Right now things are so focused on getting through the workday, and getting things cleaned up, and doing this thing properly, or that thing properly.

I am finally beginning to accept my life for what it has turned out to be. I have lots of regrets about my past, but nothing to cripple my desire for the future. I do feel slightly pathetic that I am now 33 years old and I just have started to master the idea of having a clean kitchen every night. However, I am referring more to the fulfilling aspects of life rather than the rote day-to-day necessities. {author's note: I am speaking purely of what fulfills me, not necessarily what fulfills others}

This weekend, I want to have our house cleaned by noon, and then spend the rest of the day playing with my children. Then Sunday, I would actually like to go to church, and spend some time worshipping while attempting to keep my mind from screaming mentally every time I see someone kiss their husband or wife. Honestly, I want to shoot myself every time I hear someone say that marriage is the key to eternal happiness.... but it is everywhere.

So, the monkey brothers are moving on to the next phase of life. Still plagued by poverty, and struggles with contention, but hand-in-hand none the less.

A decade ago today.....

It is an especially reflective time for me since my oldest son turns ten years old tomorrow. I started thinking about where I was a decade ago....

I was sitting in my parent's livingroom with my feet (which were swollen beyond recognition) propped up on a pillow, watching something completely mindless. I had never heard of Harry Potter, no one had even thought of Twilight, Columbine was still fresh on everyone's mind, and my brother had just graduated high school and was preparing to leave on his mission for the church.

My mother worked full time, and my father was still with us, working and playing in his band. I remember watching my stomach roll back and forth with the new life contained within thinking what kind of mother I was going to be, and how much I truly loved my unborn son.

The stoogian drama that took place the following day... the day of my son's birth.... is an entry all on it's own, and I will spare the gory details, but I will say that Zachary made quite the entrance into the world and my life. He was so small, and fragile, with a full head of bright red hair. I think my heart doubled in size that day. Between my father actually having to watch the delivery, and my mother attempting to keep calm while whispering "you're doing so good" to me it was an exhausting day for our family. Now, as a 10 year old, Zachary is preparing to set the 5th grade on fire with his intelligence and humor. He gives so much passion to what he loves. I can testify that he doesn't love cleaning his room, or doing laundry, but he will help when asked (profusely, and loudly)

Since then, I have travelled long, and hard. Most of my life has been frought with mistake after mistake, and setback after setback, but I must be doing something right, because I have completely wonderful kids. Zachary is a testament to my life... and it is he, his brother and sister, that my reason for living is manifest.

Happy Birthday Zachary, I love you baby!

Depressed Depths and Designer Shoes

I have been going through a very difficult depression of late. With everything that has been happening, I guess one could call it "normal" to go through a depression. I am trying to find a way out of it, but it is extremely difficult.

However, it does put lots of things in perspective. The superficial nature of the world for example... many women of my peer age are more concerned with the name brand on their backside or their feet, when the important things are more geared toward the heart. True, it is important that food be on the table, and clothing be in the closet; a roof over the head is essential, and where I live, transportation with air conditioning is a fundamental need. The common denominator among this is money. The cold, soulless pursuit of financial gain (in my opinion) is the antithesis of God's goodness and mercy. I don't believe that money itself is bad, or it is wrong to have it, but I do believe that it is wrong that our society puts such emphasis on it that the most fundamental ways of life are denied to those who don't possess it.

I am a firm believer that we need to focus on the "important things" in life. However, being who I am and having whatever mind-altering problems I have, I cannot see past the priority of the day.

Independence Day

Single parenthood provides many challenges. Discipline, housekeeping, cooking etc. The "double day" is a way of life in my house. However, when petitioning for the ERA, our feminist sisters failed to take into account.... HOLIDAYS!!!!! Now, those of us who are fortunate enough to have jobs that give you federal holidays off were off on Friday, July 3rd due to the 4th being on a Saturday. To most, this would have been consiered an advantage..... for me, it was just more time that I was too tired to clean up after my children.

My health has been suffering of late, and I am convinced that I am going to shrivel up and meet my maker ten minutes after Dustin graduates from high school, and I think that would be ok as long as destiny waits long enough for my kids to be able to care for themselves. But, while those fortunate were firing up the barbecue, and warmly greeting family and friends, I was screaming "don't poop on that!" to my 5 year old as he ran through the house, naked.

I decided to invest a modest amount of money on some new furniture for my home, and in so doing made it much easier to entertain guests that come to visit, however, it is now much harder to get the kids to pick up after themselves, because I am perched in a protective stance over the new furniture, responding to every child that even attempts to pass through the livingroom with a "what do you think you are doing with that drink???? At the table, now!" I don't even want to think about my reaction to the chex mix, or PBJ.....

It is true that my home hasn't always (or ever) been the cleanest, or the freshest, but I am bound and determined to keep my $300 leather furniture nice...


Then I might be pathetic and lonely, but I will be pathetic and lonely and smell like leather!!