I, being the over-dramatic single mother that I am, sometimes get extremely frustrated with myself over the smallest things. This is nothing compared to what my son, Little Dude, goes through. He gets frustrated if ANYTHING is out of place, or doesn't go the way he expects. He not only dislikes change, he LOATHES it. This morning, we were pulling out of the driveway, and I started moving before the seatbelt clicked, and I had to stop. Pull back in the driveway, talk him down from the roof, and convince him to buckle it, then wait a count of 10, and then proceed.
I am beginning to feel as though I am in general competition with those grand dame multiple divorcee's. Just because i have made three huge relationship mistakes in my life doesn't make me Elizabeth Taylor. On the contrary.... she is rich! I have no plans to make a fourth mistake. I wish I could just let it go and just live happily as a single mother forever, and then see what really exists on the other side. Who knows, for all my suffering, I may get a younger, chaste, Antonio Banderas lookalike in Heaven. One can only dream......
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Taking a break from depression
Taking a departure from my usual gloom and doom in my blog postings....
I ordered some catering from a restaurant in Houston today... a FRENCH restaurant.
Why is it when a man with an accent speaks to me, I automatically begin channeling Minnie Mouse? My voice was high and squeaky, and I had the uncontrollable urge to giggle endlessly. It is absolutely freaky how I allowed this frenchman to speak to me... all professionality went out the window.. he was asking me how tall I was and what color my eyes are.... I mean, the nerve!
I am STILL smiling and giggling to myself :)
I ordered some catering from a restaurant in Houston today... a FRENCH restaurant.
Why is it when a man with an accent speaks to me, I automatically begin channeling Minnie Mouse? My voice was high and squeaky, and I had the uncontrollable urge to giggle endlessly. It is absolutely freaky how I allowed this frenchman to speak to me... all professionality went out the window.. he was asking me how tall I was and what color my eyes are.... I mean, the nerve!
I am STILL smiling and giggling to myself :)
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
The brightest day
I have been doing a great deal of thinking and reflecting over the last little bit about life and the nature of it. Things change so fast, and my children are growing so quickly that it is difficult to pinpoint some of the true MOMENTS that define happiness. Right now things are so focused on getting through the workday, and getting things cleaned up, and doing this thing properly, or that thing properly.
I am finally beginning to accept my life for what it has turned out to be. I have lots of regrets about my past, but nothing to cripple my desire for the future. I do feel slightly pathetic that I am now 33 years old and I just have started to master the idea of having a clean kitchen every night. However, I am referring more to the fulfilling aspects of life rather than the rote day-to-day necessities. {author's note: I am speaking purely of what fulfills me, not necessarily what fulfills others}
This weekend, I want to have our house cleaned by noon, and then spend the rest of the day playing with my children. Then Sunday, I would actually like to go to church, and spend some time worshipping while attempting to keep my mind from screaming mentally every time I see someone kiss their husband or wife. Honestly, I want to shoot myself every time I hear someone say that marriage is the key to eternal happiness.... but it is everywhere.
So, the monkey brothers are moving on to the next phase of life. Still plagued by poverty, and struggles with contention, but hand-in-hand none the less.
I am finally beginning to accept my life for what it has turned out to be. I have lots of regrets about my past, but nothing to cripple my desire for the future. I do feel slightly pathetic that I am now 33 years old and I just have started to master the idea of having a clean kitchen every night. However, I am referring more to the fulfilling aspects of life rather than the rote day-to-day necessities. {author's note: I am speaking purely of what fulfills me, not necessarily what fulfills others}
This weekend, I want to have our house cleaned by noon, and then spend the rest of the day playing with my children. Then Sunday, I would actually like to go to church, and spend some time worshipping while attempting to keep my mind from screaming mentally every time I see someone kiss their husband or wife. Honestly, I want to shoot myself every time I hear someone say that marriage is the key to eternal happiness.... but it is everywhere.
So, the monkey brothers are moving on to the next phase of life. Still plagued by poverty, and struggles with contention, but hand-in-hand none the less.
Monday, July 20, 2009
A decade ago today.....
It is an especially reflective time for me since my oldest son turns ten years old tomorrow. I started thinking about where I was a decade ago....
I was sitting in my parent's livingroom with my feet (which were swollen beyond recognition) propped up on a pillow, watching something completely mindless. I had never heard of Harry Potter, no one had even thought of Twilight, Columbine was still fresh on everyone's mind, and my brother had just graduated high school and was preparing to leave on his mission for the church.
My mother worked full time, and my father was still with us, working and playing in his band. I remember watching my stomach roll back and forth with the new life contained within thinking what kind of mother I was going to be, and how much I truly loved my unborn son.
The stoogian drama that took place the following day... the day of my son's birth.... is an entry all on it's own, and I will spare the gory details, but I will say that Zachary made quite the entrance into the world and my life. He was so small, and fragile, with a full head of bright red hair. I think my heart doubled in size that day. Between my father actually having to watch the delivery, and my mother attempting to keep calm while whispering "you're doing so good" to me it was an exhausting day for our family. Now, as a 10 year old, Zachary is preparing to set the 5th grade on fire with his intelligence and humor. He gives so much passion to what he loves. I can testify that he doesn't love cleaning his room, or doing laundry, but he will help when asked (profusely, and loudly)
Since then, I have travelled long, and hard. Most of my life has been frought with mistake after mistake, and setback after setback, but I must be doing something right, because I have completely wonderful kids. Zachary is a testament to my life... and it is he, his brother and sister, that my reason for living is manifest.
Happy Birthday Zachary, I love you baby!
I was sitting in my parent's livingroom with my feet (which were swollen beyond recognition) propped up on a pillow, watching something completely mindless. I had never heard of Harry Potter, no one had even thought of Twilight, Columbine was still fresh on everyone's mind, and my brother had just graduated high school and was preparing to leave on his mission for the church.
My mother worked full time, and my father was still with us, working and playing in his band. I remember watching my stomach roll back and forth with the new life contained within thinking what kind of mother I was going to be, and how much I truly loved my unborn son.
The stoogian drama that took place the following day... the day of my son's birth.... is an entry all on it's own, and I will spare the gory details, but I will say that Zachary made quite the entrance into the world and my life. He was so small, and fragile, with a full head of bright red hair. I think my heart doubled in size that day. Between my father actually having to watch the delivery, and my mother attempting to keep calm while whispering "you're doing so good" to me it was an exhausting day for our family. Now, as a 10 year old, Zachary is preparing to set the 5th grade on fire with his intelligence and humor. He gives so much passion to what he loves. I can testify that he doesn't love cleaning his room, or doing laundry, but he will help when asked (profusely, and loudly)
Since then, I have travelled long, and hard. Most of my life has been frought with mistake after mistake, and setback after setback, but I must be doing something right, because I have completely wonderful kids. Zachary is a testament to my life... and it is he, his brother and sister, that my reason for living is manifest.
Happy Birthday Zachary, I love you baby!
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Depressed Depths and Designer Shoes
I have been going through a very difficult depression of late. With everything that has been happening, I guess one could call it "normal" to go through a depression. I am trying to find a way out of it, but it is extremely difficult.
However, it does put lots of things in perspective. The superficial nature of the world for example... many women of my peer age are more concerned with the name brand on their backside or their feet, when the important things are more geared toward the heart. True, it is important that food be on the table, and clothing be in the closet; a roof over the head is essential, and where I live, transportation with air conditioning is a fundamental need. The common denominator among this is money. The cold, soulless pursuit of financial gain (in my opinion) is the antithesis of God's goodness and mercy. I don't believe that money itself is bad, or it is wrong to have it, but I do believe that it is wrong that our society puts such emphasis on it that the most fundamental ways of life are denied to those who don't possess it.
I am a firm believer that we need to focus on the "important things" in life. However, being who I am and having whatever mind-altering problems I have, I cannot see past the priority of the day.
However, it does put lots of things in perspective. The superficial nature of the world for example... many women of my peer age are more concerned with the name brand on their backside or their feet, when the important things are more geared toward the heart. True, it is important that food be on the table, and clothing be in the closet; a roof over the head is essential, and where I live, transportation with air conditioning is a fundamental need. The common denominator among this is money. The cold, soulless pursuit of financial gain (in my opinion) is the antithesis of God's goodness and mercy. I don't believe that money itself is bad, or it is wrong to have it, but I do believe that it is wrong that our society puts such emphasis on it that the most fundamental ways of life are denied to those who don't possess it.
I am a firm believer that we need to focus on the "important things" in life. However, being who I am and having whatever mind-altering problems I have, I cannot see past the priority of the day.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Independence Day
Single parenthood provides many challenges. Discipline, housekeeping, cooking etc. The "double day" is a way of life in my house. However, when petitioning for the ERA, our feminist sisters failed to take into account.... HOLIDAYS!!!!! Now, those of us who are fortunate enough to have jobs that give you federal holidays off were off on Friday, July 3rd due to the 4th being on a Saturday. To most, this would have been consiered an advantage..... for me, it was just more time that I was too tired to clean up after my children.
My health has been suffering of late, and I am convinced that I am going to shrivel up and meet my maker ten minutes after Dustin graduates from high school, and I think that would be ok as long as destiny waits long enough for my kids to be able to care for themselves. But, while those fortunate were firing up the barbecue, and warmly greeting family and friends, I was screaming "don't poop on that!" to my 5 year old as he ran through the house, naked.
I decided to invest a modest amount of money on some new furniture for my home, and in so doing made it much easier to entertain guests that come to visit, however, it is now much harder to get the kids to pick up after themselves, because I am perched in a protective stance over the new furniture, responding to every child that even attempts to pass through the livingroom with a "what do you think you are doing with that drink???? At the table, now!" I don't even want to think about my reaction to the chex mix, or PBJ.....
It is true that my home hasn't always (or ever) been the cleanest, or the freshest, but I am bound and determined to keep my $300 leather furniture nice...
Then I might be pathetic and lonely, but I will be pathetic and lonely and smell like leather!!
My health has been suffering of late, and I am convinced that I am going to shrivel up and meet my maker ten minutes after Dustin graduates from high school, and I think that would be ok as long as destiny waits long enough for my kids to be able to care for themselves. But, while those fortunate were firing up the barbecue, and warmly greeting family and friends, I was screaming "don't poop on that!" to my 5 year old as he ran through the house, naked.
I decided to invest a modest amount of money on some new furniture for my home, and in so doing made it much easier to entertain guests that come to visit, however, it is now much harder to get the kids to pick up after themselves, because I am perched in a protective stance over the new furniture, responding to every child that even attempts to pass through the livingroom with a "what do you think you are doing with that drink???? At the table, now!" I don't even want to think about my reaction to the chex mix, or PBJ.....
It is true that my home hasn't always (or ever) been the cleanest, or the freshest, but I am bound and determined to keep my $300 leather furniture nice...
Then I might be pathetic and lonely, but I will be pathetic and lonely and smell like leather!!
Thursday, June 25, 2009
The Quiet is Deafening...
*sigh*
Following my previous postings, I have images of most of my friends who read this blog gently tiptoe-ing around me as to not provoke some kind of crazy woman attack. I can assure you, gentle readers, this is not the case. That was the explosion of much stress, which errupted in true emotional volcano style as I have been accustomed to.
It was a conversation this morning that really set the tone for my current outlook. I was on the phone with the t-mobile operator. I was re-adjusting my rate plan, because the one I had was just too big and too expensive. I don't use 1000 minutes a month,... nowhere near that, and I use my phone as much as I want. So, I reduced it to 700, which is the minimum plan with two lines. Then the subject of my second line came up. According to the usage documents, that line only has been used for two minutes that he wasn't calling me........
Two minutes,
At first, the lump of pain sat in the back of my throat, but it quickly dispersed. I have been laboring under the impression that to end this relationship, I would be failing at something. Not true. I don't need to end it, because it doesn't actually exist. It only exists for me.
The gentleman then pointed out that I am the owner of that line, therefore I have all the power over it. I can take myself down to the T-mobile store, change the number, activate a new sim card, and keep the line and use it for my mother, or my son, or anyone else "more worthy of it."
More worthy of it.......
I went home last night, and cleaned. It didn't take near as long as I feared it would, and all three kids helped. Then, once completed, we sat, ate popcorn, and enjoyed each other's company, and then (with a slight tantrum), the children went to bed, and I watched a TV show and went to sleep.
The whole point: for 33 years, I have been the one attempting to be more worthy. I have done nothing else but try to force my own worth out of others by several different means. My children deserve a better mother, this is true, but who's to say that it isn't me?
Next step: I am going to get outta this funk, I am waiting to hear an admissions decision into UH, where I work now, so I can finish up my bachelor's degree. Then I want to get my Teaching Certification, and then I want to apply to grad school and become Library Certified.
Then I want to get as far away from my old life as possible.....
Following my previous postings, I have images of most of my friends who read this blog gently tiptoe-ing around me as to not provoke some kind of crazy woman attack. I can assure you, gentle readers, this is not the case. That was the explosion of much stress, which errupted in true emotional volcano style as I have been accustomed to.
It was a conversation this morning that really set the tone for my current outlook. I was on the phone with the t-mobile operator. I was re-adjusting my rate plan, because the one I had was just too big and too expensive. I don't use 1000 minutes a month,... nowhere near that, and I use my phone as much as I want. So, I reduced it to 700, which is the minimum plan with two lines. Then the subject of my second line came up. According to the usage documents, that line only has been used for two minutes that he wasn't calling me........
Two minutes,
At first, the lump of pain sat in the back of my throat, but it quickly dispersed. I have been laboring under the impression that to end this relationship, I would be failing at something. Not true. I don't need to end it, because it doesn't actually exist. It only exists for me.
The gentleman then pointed out that I am the owner of that line, therefore I have all the power over it. I can take myself down to the T-mobile store, change the number, activate a new sim card, and keep the line and use it for my mother, or my son, or anyone else "more worthy of it."
More worthy of it.......
I went home last night, and cleaned. It didn't take near as long as I feared it would, and all three kids helped. Then, once completed, we sat, ate popcorn, and enjoyed each other's company, and then (with a slight tantrum), the children went to bed, and I watched a TV show and went to sleep.
The whole point: for 33 years, I have been the one attempting to be more worthy. I have done nothing else but try to force my own worth out of others by several different means. My children deserve a better mother, this is true, but who's to say that it isn't me?
Next step: I am going to get outta this funk, I am waiting to hear an admissions decision into UH, where I work now, so I can finish up my bachelor's degree. Then I want to get my Teaching Certification, and then I want to apply to grad school and become Library Certified.
Then I want to get as far away from my old life as possible.....
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