It wouldn't be the holidays without holiday songs. And this one, to me, embodies the true spirit of Christmas with a peppy, up beat, rockin tempo. However, whenever I play this song, and a friend asks "Wow, who is this by?" I have to answer.....

BARENAKED LADIES

Of course, BNL are fully clothed men, but still. It almost didn't make the office party playlist because of the band name.

*sigh*

So, I urge you strongly to celebrate the season with some Barenaked Ladies!!!

Merry Christmas!

Financial Renaissance

Well, darling readers, I continue to endeavor on my eternal quest for improvement and overcoming my past stupidity. Now comes the part that we have all been waiting for.....

I have stabilized my home conditions, check.... The kids are fed, and clothed, and watered, and then sent into the sunlight to grow and photosynthesize... now it is time to clean up THE MONEY....




Let's just say this is where my past can really hurt. I downloaded my annual credit reports today. I have lots of work to do, but I know I can do it. I can overcome this. Then, maybe... someday... a mortgage? A home of my very own that I can keep forever and ever, and name something silly like "the Respite" or " the fluffy poodle" I don't know.. the names need work. My heart sank when I saw bills dating back to 2004, while I was dealing with the aftermath of Dustin's birth, and I wasn't working. Now it is time to pay the piper, and the doctor, and all the other places where I couldn't pay.

I will overcome, and then I will go shopping.. someday......

Returning from Hiatus

Well darling readers, or at least those of you who haven't turned yourselves towards other more exciting blogs... I know it has been a while, we have experienced a whole summer of eventful life, and I have failed in my duty to write snarkily about it.

So, my "what I did on my summer vacation, and first (one two three) three and a half months of school!

1. I worked. Yes, dearest ones. I am what is known as a "workaholic wannabee" I truly wish I could have the time and flexibility to work around the clock, thus incurring more money than I currently do, however, I have three little
"boss wannabee"s at home that make me think I work around the clock. However, work is good. I have done new student orientation, three student parties, and the annual residency showcase since I saw you last, and boy, my feet are tired.

2. I "mom"-ed. This summer was an especially challenging one for me with my youngest son, Little Dude. He spent the majority of the summer off medication, after a particularly encouraging visit with his Dad and step-mom. AHE (abbreviation need only be explained that it refers to my ex husband) believed so strongly that he would parent the need for medication out of my son... while on vacation, with little restriction, and lots of other kids, and fun, and yikes.... I attempted to maintain this. Then school started. LD made it to day three before ending up in the principal's office, and four weeks before he had to be hospitalized in a psychiatric facility for children. Now he takes four medications, and he is a sweet, loving little handful, just like a six year old should be. He still has several really bad habits he needs to get rid of, like pushing people, and yelling, but those will come with time, and possibly duct tape.

3. I friended.. In my younger years, I didn't have very many friends, I think this was due to my social akwardness, and lack of know-how in the friend department. I think that my mental state.... well that is a WHOLE other entry... Anyhow, I have a few people in my life that truly count as friends now. My BFF's or otherwise known as "friblings" (a term coined by my BFF 1) which is a sibling of emotional adoption rather than natural birth, which in actuality makes them closer to me than my actual siblings, but I digress. These two BFFs actually hang out with me... and do things!!!! We see each other at church, and go to dinner at each others houses. We have bonded over international culture, clothing and cuisine. In the end, BFF 1 and 2 are precious to me, and I am grateful for them.

4. I moved-- yep, boomeranged back in with the Mom. However, it is a mutually beneficial situation, and it is working. Stability for the kids, and Mom gets the income help. Win win.. don't judge me..

4. I improved -- This one is the most significant, however the most boring of my updates. I have gone from brunette to blonde, finalized a divorce, and started to love myself again. I have started to try and look at myself in the mirror without seeing an ugly, unformed creature staring back at me, but a child of God, deserving of love and happiness.

So, darling readers, I have had a wonderful and significant summer plus couple of months of school. Things are good, not perfect, but good. Now, for the holidays, and the planned return of lonliness and self-loathing. But until then.... SMILE

It is difficult to actually pinpoint the exact moment that one goes insane. However, I think I passed that point a few weeks back. I am trying to move, get my kids moved to a new school, my oldest into junior high, my mother recovered from a recent illness, etc.

Also, this is my busiest time at work. All the work that I have to do in a year culminates at this point. UGH. I need a jacuzzi, I need calgon, I need Ed McMahon to bring me one of those gigantic checks that are impossible to cash at the bank so I can render ultimate death and destruction when they won't accept it at the teller window.

....


Ok, I am better now. Or not.

I will try to write more on Monday, after orientation is over.

Then I can sleep... until the following Monday... at least I think...

Cleaning the cobwebs and dust bunnies out of my soul

Darling Readers,

I trust that if you are reading this, you are a trusted, beloved friend. Or else you have nothing better to do....

In this particular entry, the dirtiest laundry of my possession will be aired, and let me tell you, it is RANK!!! So, those with small children, heart problems, or who saw the purpose to the production of the Hannah Montana movie should probably abstain.

****************no food or drinks beyond this point*********************************

So, you're still here. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone.

Let us begin about eight and a half years ago, when I met a man. This man was tall, handsome, charismatic, and had enough energy to liven up a room of cloistered nuns. It was easy to love him. I remember standing on my front lawn, and asking him if he was prepared for me to give him my heart, but don't accept it unless he was prepared to take responsibility for it.... then he kissed me, and it was his.

Fast forward three years....

I was sitting on the bed, next to my husband of 2.89 years... just six weeks shy of our third anniversary. He needed to get up and go to work. I looked at him and asked him if he even liked me anymore... did he want me to leave. He did not answer me. He just looked at the floor. I then replied, then I guess it is time for me to go. He encouraged me to go to my parents, to get myself together, and to leave the children there if I was more comfortable. Then he walked out the door. That was the last time I saw the man who was my husband.....

Fast forward five years.....

Today, I sit at my desk, weeping because right now, my babies are with him. He has remarried, had more children, lived an entire life... Now, my babies, my whole world, is in his hands. Situations have transpired, and things have happened, that should be in the past. However, my heart is still as tender today as it was 5 years ago when I called my former residence, and heard "This is David Vaughn...." when earlier that morning it had been "You have reached the Vaughn family...."

Today, I sat, in disbelief, but unable to withdraw myself from getting a royal ass chewing by her.... the woman he married following me. I just sat there. She told me that I was just a drama queen, and that I must enjoy stirring things up. She told me that I overreact too much. She told me that I had no right to have the feelings I do after all this time, and normal people move on, and get over their divorces. I just sat there.

The truth is, I am so overwhelmed by my responsibilities in life that I often don't know how I am going to keep going for one more day, but I jealously guard those responsibilities for fear that I will be branded a failure.... might as well get a bright red "F" and emblazon it upon my very bosom. How can I keep going? How can I move forward?

The fact is, I am doing the best I can, and anyone who has a problem with that can go home and pray for the ability to accept it. I am harder on myself than anyone else could possibly be. I know all my faults, and that knowledge breeds more and more insecurities.

I can't say that this story has a happily ever after, the end has not been discovered.

Power to the People

Dear Readers,

I begin this blog with discomfort in my soul with some events that have been transpiring in theory, but not in actual "life." It begs the question: what is reality? Without going into the philosophy 101 analysis of what actually constitutes reality, I have to say that things in my life have become either extremely tangible, and REAL, or completely theoretical, and thus UNREAL.

I have a new car, it is financed. This provides me with both joy and fear in the very real sensation that if I don't make the payment, I will no longer have my beautiful, wonderful almost-could-be-new car. The idea of financial security is one that has been on my mind for a while now, but the financing terms are so generous, they are unbelievable, and thus I have every confidence that I will be able to meet my obligations to them. However, I don't want this to make me complacent. I will work, strive, and push myself to work in order to meet these obligations.

The more unreal portions of my life are quite annoying actually. It is based in a possibility-state, and thus could or could not be. This makes planning very difficult. I am trying to better my circumstances, my thoughts, my outlook, and keep myself out of depression, however it is extremely difficult to do so when the potential successes and failures are often held over my head, and I am tormented with them. The fear of saying the wrong words and having a mere phrase uttered impend my doom. Or having to choose one, and having that mean success or failure. The theoretical life, or potential for influence is incomprehensible because there are so many possibilities. Someone could say that they have wealth, and riches, and they will share it all with you, and then that promise dies with every day that passes. Then the days turn into months, and they still promise, but the promises get smaller, and less significant. Eventually theoretical life is replaced with reality.

The fact is, right now, I have a good dynamic in my life. I am not the disaster I once was, and I have a semblance of peace. Is it "ok" with the cosmic fates for me to just have some peace? Is that permissible by the universe? Do I need to remain in constant pain and suffering in order for things to be "right?"

I have often wondered what I would do with a million dollars. Simple, I would ensure that my children, my mother, my brother and his family all had their basic needs met, and then I would sleep, and maybe, finally actually rest. However, I know that all will be well without a million dollars. I can make a success of my life with or without the gift of money. It is in that realization, that I truly find myself free.....

I am free... you have no power over my mind or my heart. I am free from the pain, free from the sticky web that was cast over my brain, and the thistle-clad nettles that grew and ensconced themselves into my soul. You may say I will be sorry, or I will rue the day I walked away from your lies and empty promises, and believe it as much as you wish, but I am free. Freedom in poverty far outweighs bondage in wealth any day.

Life and more life

Dearest readers,

In the pursuit of this grand experience there are many things that one must learn. Mastery over things like tying one's own shoes, and dressing one's self are learned at a young age, however other things, are more introduced into life experience without a manual or a net.

The big challenge I have faced in my life is battling my overwhelming, and incapacitating desire for love. As long as I can remember, I have thirsted, dreamed and (close your eyes mother) yes..lusted after giving and receiving love. However the achievement of love, is another matter all together. I have been in three major life-commitment relationships in my life, and several others who might have approached that state, but never came in for a landing. I sacrificed so much of myself and my own life, dreams, desires to have that one elusive relationship.... I will spare you, darlings from the gory details. I am weary of re-living them myself.

Now, I find myself 34 years old, with three children (who are a blessing in my life, but a blessing that comes with many challenges of their own) and a job that I truly love, but it comes just short of paying the bills. I find myself in a predicament. It is the worst feeling in the world to come home after working a whole week, and do nothing but worry that the rent check will bounce, or that one might not have enough gas to get to work tomorrow. I don't relish that feeling one bit, but it is there every single night.

I have spent a lot of my energy worrying about it, and blaming others. I have almost $40,000 in child support that I am owed, that if I got regularly, it would make the difference between making it and not. However, nothing I say, do, or feel can force the obliged fathers to pay. It is something that I should not expect, nor depend upon. But, it would make the difference.

It is very hard to continue to have hope. However, I must. I must push through the discouragement, and find the strength to press on. Also, it is my responsibility to ensure that my children have stability, and can depend on their home life, and the foundation it provides.

I look back at almost 13 years of my life... spent searching for the one dream relationship. The pursuit began a decade earlier with my doodles of my prospective married name on my notebook in 7th grade. I think about the faces of men I have loved, and I wonder why am I the one alone? Why do I feel such a loss about being single? Will I ever find the peace I seek?

Let me end this "whine" tasting with this. Even in my darkest hour, I am so blessed. I am blessed with health and strength, and with the best kids in the universe, and the ability to love them, and watch them grow as the days pass. I am there to hug, kiss, wipe away tears, share in triumphs, and give them the ability to become people. I hope, for their sake, that I have been strong enough, and they will be good people, for I would have no greater goal in my life than to watch them grow and succeed.

As for the idea of love, and finding love..... It is still there, however, it is dusty, and cobwebbed. It is in need of repair, and a polish, but that can come........I will think about that tomorrow, or another day.

Christen