It is difficult to actually pinpoint the exact moment that one goes insane. However, I think I passed that point a few weeks back. I am trying to move, get my kids moved to a new school, my oldest into junior high, my mother recovered from a recent illness, etc.

Also, this is my busiest time at work. All the work that I have to do in a year culminates at this point. UGH. I need a jacuzzi, I need calgon, I need Ed McMahon to bring me one of those gigantic checks that are impossible to cash at the bank so I can render ultimate death and destruction when they won't accept it at the teller window.

....


Ok, I am better now. Or not.

I will try to write more on Monday, after orientation is over.

Then I can sleep... until the following Monday... at least I think...

Cleaning the cobwebs and dust bunnies out of my soul

Darling Readers,

I trust that if you are reading this, you are a trusted, beloved friend. Or else you have nothing better to do....

In this particular entry, the dirtiest laundry of my possession will be aired, and let me tell you, it is RANK!!! So, those with small children, heart problems, or who saw the purpose to the production of the Hannah Montana movie should probably abstain.

****************no food or drinks beyond this point*********************************

So, you're still here. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone.

Let us begin about eight and a half years ago, when I met a man. This man was tall, handsome, charismatic, and had enough energy to liven up a room of cloistered nuns. It was easy to love him. I remember standing on my front lawn, and asking him if he was prepared for me to give him my heart, but don't accept it unless he was prepared to take responsibility for it.... then he kissed me, and it was his.

Fast forward three years....

I was sitting on the bed, next to my husband of 2.89 years... just six weeks shy of our third anniversary. He needed to get up and go to work. I looked at him and asked him if he even liked me anymore... did he want me to leave. He did not answer me. He just looked at the floor. I then replied, then I guess it is time for me to go. He encouraged me to go to my parents, to get myself together, and to leave the children there if I was more comfortable. Then he walked out the door. That was the last time I saw the man who was my husband.....

Fast forward five years.....

Today, I sit at my desk, weeping because right now, my babies are with him. He has remarried, had more children, lived an entire life... Now, my babies, my whole world, is in his hands. Situations have transpired, and things have happened, that should be in the past. However, my heart is still as tender today as it was 5 years ago when I called my former residence, and heard "This is David Vaughn...." when earlier that morning it had been "You have reached the Vaughn family...."

Today, I sat, in disbelief, but unable to withdraw myself from getting a royal ass chewing by her.... the woman he married following me. I just sat there. She told me that I was just a drama queen, and that I must enjoy stirring things up. She told me that I overreact too much. She told me that I had no right to have the feelings I do after all this time, and normal people move on, and get over their divorces. I just sat there.

The truth is, I am so overwhelmed by my responsibilities in life that I often don't know how I am going to keep going for one more day, but I jealously guard those responsibilities for fear that I will be branded a failure.... might as well get a bright red "F" and emblazon it upon my very bosom. How can I keep going? How can I move forward?

The fact is, I am doing the best I can, and anyone who has a problem with that can go home and pray for the ability to accept it. I am harder on myself than anyone else could possibly be. I know all my faults, and that knowledge breeds more and more insecurities.

I can't say that this story has a happily ever after, the end has not been discovered.

Power to the People

Dear Readers,

I begin this blog with discomfort in my soul with some events that have been transpiring in theory, but not in actual "life." It begs the question: what is reality? Without going into the philosophy 101 analysis of what actually constitutes reality, I have to say that things in my life have become either extremely tangible, and REAL, or completely theoretical, and thus UNREAL.

I have a new car, it is financed. This provides me with both joy and fear in the very real sensation that if I don't make the payment, I will no longer have my beautiful, wonderful almost-could-be-new car. The idea of financial security is one that has been on my mind for a while now, but the financing terms are so generous, they are unbelievable, and thus I have every confidence that I will be able to meet my obligations to them. However, I don't want this to make me complacent. I will work, strive, and push myself to work in order to meet these obligations.

The more unreal portions of my life are quite annoying actually. It is based in a possibility-state, and thus could or could not be. This makes planning very difficult. I am trying to better my circumstances, my thoughts, my outlook, and keep myself out of depression, however it is extremely difficult to do so when the potential successes and failures are often held over my head, and I am tormented with them. The fear of saying the wrong words and having a mere phrase uttered impend my doom. Or having to choose one, and having that mean success or failure. The theoretical life, or potential for influence is incomprehensible because there are so many possibilities. Someone could say that they have wealth, and riches, and they will share it all with you, and then that promise dies with every day that passes. Then the days turn into months, and they still promise, but the promises get smaller, and less significant. Eventually theoretical life is replaced with reality.

The fact is, right now, I have a good dynamic in my life. I am not the disaster I once was, and I have a semblance of peace. Is it "ok" with the cosmic fates for me to just have some peace? Is that permissible by the universe? Do I need to remain in constant pain and suffering in order for things to be "right?"

I have often wondered what I would do with a million dollars. Simple, I would ensure that my children, my mother, my brother and his family all had their basic needs met, and then I would sleep, and maybe, finally actually rest. However, I know that all will be well without a million dollars. I can make a success of my life with or without the gift of money. It is in that realization, that I truly find myself free.....

I am free... you have no power over my mind or my heart. I am free from the pain, free from the sticky web that was cast over my brain, and the thistle-clad nettles that grew and ensconced themselves into my soul. You may say I will be sorry, or I will rue the day I walked away from your lies and empty promises, and believe it as much as you wish, but I am free. Freedom in poverty far outweighs bondage in wealth any day.

Life and more life

Dearest readers,

In the pursuit of this grand experience there are many things that one must learn. Mastery over things like tying one's own shoes, and dressing one's self are learned at a young age, however other things, are more introduced into life experience without a manual or a net.

The big challenge I have faced in my life is battling my overwhelming, and incapacitating desire for love. As long as I can remember, I have thirsted, dreamed and (close your eyes mother) yes..lusted after giving and receiving love. However the achievement of love, is another matter all together. I have been in three major life-commitment relationships in my life, and several others who might have approached that state, but never came in for a landing. I sacrificed so much of myself and my own life, dreams, desires to have that one elusive relationship.... I will spare you, darlings from the gory details. I am weary of re-living them myself.

Now, I find myself 34 years old, with three children (who are a blessing in my life, but a blessing that comes with many challenges of their own) and a job that I truly love, but it comes just short of paying the bills. I find myself in a predicament. It is the worst feeling in the world to come home after working a whole week, and do nothing but worry that the rent check will bounce, or that one might not have enough gas to get to work tomorrow. I don't relish that feeling one bit, but it is there every single night.

I have spent a lot of my energy worrying about it, and blaming others. I have almost $40,000 in child support that I am owed, that if I got regularly, it would make the difference between making it and not. However, nothing I say, do, or feel can force the obliged fathers to pay. It is something that I should not expect, nor depend upon. But, it would make the difference.

It is very hard to continue to have hope. However, I must. I must push through the discouragement, and find the strength to press on. Also, it is my responsibility to ensure that my children have stability, and can depend on their home life, and the foundation it provides.

I look back at almost 13 years of my life... spent searching for the one dream relationship. The pursuit began a decade earlier with my doodles of my prospective married name on my notebook in 7th grade. I think about the faces of men I have loved, and I wonder why am I the one alone? Why do I feel such a loss about being single? Will I ever find the peace I seek?

Let me end this "whine" tasting with this. Even in my darkest hour, I am so blessed. I am blessed with health and strength, and with the best kids in the universe, and the ability to love them, and watch them grow as the days pass. I am there to hug, kiss, wipe away tears, share in triumphs, and give them the ability to become people. I hope, for their sake, that I have been strong enough, and they will be good people, for I would have no greater goal in my life than to watch them grow and succeed.

As for the idea of love, and finding love..... It is still there, however, it is dusty, and cobwebbed. It is in need of repair, and a polish, but that can come........I will think about that tomorrow, or another day.

Christen

Blogging to the Rythym of my Heart

Darling readers,

It is with great appreciation and in general awe that I begin this blog entry in tribute to you.... the few, the proud, the ones with nothing better to do!

When I started this blog, I had no readership... I had no one person out there, in the vast universe who wanted to read my blog, my thoughts, or participate in my insanity. Today, I can proudly say that I have 4 bonafide followers!!!!!!!!!! So, yes.... my readership has grown 400% in the year-plus that I have been blogging.

In returning to my past blog entries, I have cried, laughed, turned red, and wondered what I was smoking and where the dealer was that I bought it from...(funny, no memory of that). It was a fun 20 minutes strolling down memory lane, but I feel that i have grown.

In celebration of the future, I have decided to post a blog entry once a week (that is christen-speak for more often than I have in the past), This is my first entry towards that commitment. What topics shall I blog about? What does the public want?

*crickets*
*chirpy crickets*

well, wasn't that fun???

Tune in next week to hear my perspectives on the Dis-Astros and how things haven't been the same since Biggio retired! No? I am not a sports fan, nor do I follow baseball. Hmmmmm, this poses a problem.

What about the latest celebrity gossip? Tune in to read all about the new Sandra Bullock baby!!! No.... I don't live in LA, and I admire any woman who can adopt a child... no dirt there.


Hmmmmmmmm,


OH NO! My blogger is BLOCKED!!! I guess I will have to wait to post another blog when the spirit moves me....

Infomercials? Lady GAGA? Kids TV? AHHHHHGGGGGHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSMMMMMMMMMMM Ugh

Looking at Motherhood in my life

For every single mother out there, time management becomes a problem. For some more celebrity mothers, it is common to hire someone to raise...er, I mean care for your children in your absence. For us "just above the poverty level, but still don't have enough to make it till next payday" moms, that is just not an option.

So, the dilemma becomes: Do I spend enough time with my children?

The answer to this questions is quite complex. For this one must evaluate the state of the maternal relationship with said children, and what better to do that then a QUIZ!!!!!!!

1. Could my children pick me out of a photo lineup?

This question is fundamental in the determination of a healthy relationship, if your children cannot pick your picture out of a set of photos of similar looking women, maybe you should practice with them more!

2. Do my children know my first name?

In my experience, any child should be able to answer this one correctly. In asking my youngest child, Little Dude, he promptly answered "What a silly question, I know your name is MOM!!" And so it goes...

3. Do I help my children with their homework or other school activities?

This one is deceptively simple. The fact is, my children don't WANT me to help... I tend to mess things up, and my sense of color is all wrong, and I tend to miss the lines now and then.

4. Do I provide my children with a healthy, and nutritious diet?

Yes! I can answer this one straight out... however, do they eat it? NO!!!! I will spend an hour grilling chicken, and steaming fresh veggies, only to have them look at it make a comment containing the word "weird" and then ask for spaghetti-os. But not the "O" shaped ones... the alphabet shaped ones... so they can practice their spelling words. I know, smart Mom, smart indeed.

5. Do I set a good example for my children?

Only a child who has grown up, and experienced the joys of parenthood themselves would really be able to adequately answer this question. However, I can say that my children only curse in public when angry, do not take their clothes off in public, don't go to the office at school everyday (anymore) and don't deliberately hurt people (except their siblings). I call that a winning combination!

All in all, I think my relationship with my children is sound, solid and unbreakable. I know their dreams, hopes, and shortcomings. I am there with the tears, laughs, and only a fever of 102, and disgusting stomach virus could keep me from every soccer game, or event. My daughter, upon graduating pre-school looked up into the audience and with the sweetest baby voice declared "I love you Mommy" and that moment, made all the sleepless nights, and dirty diapers, and temper tantrums worth it. I only hope that something similar will occur at her graduations from high school and college, and grad school, and veterinary school, and PhD school, etc.

Here's to all the Moms out there who work for their kids, both in the home and out, and for those of us who do both, have an extra diet coke today!

SLEEP -- Find out what you mean to me!

Dearest Readers,

It seems that of late I have been chasing a new unrequited love. I have been seeking high and low only to come up short night after night. Oh, how I long for the sweet, delicious soft caress of a FULL NIGHT'S SLEEP.

It was bearable at first, all those many moons ago. I could go to bed at 12, wake up at 5:30 and be able to get moving, and go through a whole day. Even after I had the children.... Zachary was an extremely energetic baby, and I could keep pace with him. However, the past year or so, I fall asleep at 9:30 or 10 and am up again by 12 and watching infomercials on the latest food preparation miracle that will take the place of all my current kitchen appliances for the low low price of 5 payments of $89.95, or the latest breakthrough in weightloss technology that makes everyone but YOU lose all the weight they want. ( Author's note: It is slightly more bearable since Turner Network Television actually runs crime dramas through most nights. At least I can catch up on my Cold Case)

What's that you say? Weekends? Why can't I catch up on sleep on the weekends, you ask? Well, because my children have no concept of SLEEPING IN. By 7 AM on Saturdays I am faced with three gorgeous, yet persistently hungry faces in my face asking what I am going to cook for breakfast. When I suggest that they make themselves a bowl of cereal, each child picks up a piece of furniture and threatens to sacrifice it to the pancake diety unless I get up and make with the pancakes. Then we go to Denny's.

I miss sleep...and I have discovered, that sleep really does make you pretty.


Before


After




Pray for me dearest readers. Pray that the sandman and I work things out and live happily ever after. Or if he isn't available, then his manly, and rugged looking brother Joaquin.