*****Breaking News Flash******
My hair has gone (officially) 85% gray now. I will have to strip the color, and go lighter if I intend to keep it colored. UGH
That is all, now back to your regularly scheduled blogosphere*******
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
The Wisdom of Bohemian Rhapsody & other Songs & Reflections
Is this the real life-
Is this just fantasy-
Caught in a landslide-
No escape from reality-
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see-
Im just a poor boy, (girl)
i need no sympathy-
Because Im easy come,easy go,
A little high,little low,
Anyway the wind blows,
doesnt really matter to me,
To me.... ~Freddie Mercury
These words speak, of course by interpretation, to me and really kind of give me insight on my current situation. I am caught in a landslide of extremely poor luck/unfortunate circumstances. There is no escape from my reality. I live in the virtual groundhog day version of hell. I get up in the morning, I get the kids off to school, always worrying that Dustin is one kick or bite away from the special ed campus. I battle the traffic, and I do mean battle, getting to work. A 24 mile commute takes an hour to an hour and 15 minutes each morning. So I am usually late. This is always pointed out loudly when all the staff members have returned with their morning coffee.
I work, often without a break, until around 5 PM. Usually having to tell students that they will need to bring their issues back to me in the morning, because the office closes at 5. At 5 PM, I head for the door. I am usually out the door by 5:03, and to my car by 5:05. I get on the freeway which is less than a mile away at 5:26. I struggle, and often bend the law to make it home by 6. The kids are now in afterschool care. I discovered yesterday that when the program directors say they close at 6, this is actually "We are paid to stay until 6, but if you make us stay that late, we will hate you and make rude comments to you when you pick up your children!" I picked them up yesterday at 5:59, and got a three minute lecture on parental responsibility and paying attention to my children.
The same song and dance that I usually find at home with my children then started with my oldest child, regarding the television that is now sitting in my livingroom. He got used to having it in his room, and when I removed it, exclaimed his displeasure. He wants to be able to do nothing but play his playstation games, watch TV, and text on a cell phone with his friends. All of the above I have grounded him from for calling me names. The situation exploded with him throwing one of my diningroom chairs at myself and my other two children as we sat at dinner, and telling me that I am a "worthless piece of crap, and am going straight to hell." I can't say I can find much passion to disagree with him, but I am still not going to allow him to speak to me like that.
The whole mess going on in my personal life is getting worse. My estranged "husband" insists that he wants to be a family again, and that we can leave all this past mess behind me. He wants to be allowed back into my home, and my life, and promises that I won't have to worry about any of this anymore. I began the process of freeing myself from the legal entanglements involving my marriage to him. When I spoke with him yesterday, all the stress and emotion that has been building for the past few months exploded, and through tears, I exclaimed that I hoped I would die so at least I would be able to find peace and rest. He claimed to be turning in his resignation effective immediately, and heading for my house this morning. I guess we will see if he shows up.
I do beg for peace, with every prayer in my heart. I am not strong, or capable. I have a heart, and a dream for my life which doesn't matter outside of fulfilling responsibilities that should be shared, which are now squarely set on my solitary shoulders. I am going to keep going, get Dustin out of the house, and then hopefully find my peace. That indeed will be a joyous day. I fear, that it will come, and I will find myself alone.
~And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way'
Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain
Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one
~ November Rain (Guns N Roses)
Is this just fantasy-
Caught in a landslide-
No escape from reality-
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see-
Im just a poor boy, (girl)
i need no sympathy-
Because Im easy come,easy go,
A little high,little low,
Anyway the wind blows,
doesnt really matter to me,
To me.... ~Freddie Mercury
These words speak, of course by interpretation, to me and really kind of give me insight on my current situation. I am caught in a landslide of extremely poor luck/unfortunate circumstances. There is no escape from my reality. I live in the virtual groundhog day version of hell. I get up in the morning, I get the kids off to school, always worrying that Dustin is one kick or bite away from the special ed campus. I battle the traffic, and I do mean battle, getting to work. A 24 mile commute takes an hour to an hour and 15 minutes each morning. So I am usually late. This is always pointed out loudly when all the staff members have returned with their morning coffee.
I work, often without a break, until around 5 PM. Usually having to tell students that they will need to bring their issues back to me in the morning, because the office closes at 5. At 5 PM, I head for the door. I am usually out the door by 5:03, and to my car by 5:05. I get on the freeway which is less than a mile away at 5:26. I struggle, and often bend the law to make it home by 6. The kids are now in afterschool care. I discovered yesterday that when the program directors say they close at 6, this is actually "We are paid to stay until 6, but if you make us stay that late, we will hate you and make rude comments to you when you pick up your children!" I picked them up yesterday at 5:59, and got a three minute lecture on parental responsibility and paying attention to my children.
The same song and dance that I usually find at home with my children then started with my oldest child, regarding the television that is now sitting in my livingroom. He got used to having it in his room, and when I removed it, exclaimed his displeasure. He wants to be able to do nothing but play his playstation games, watch TV, and text on a cell phone with his friends. All of the above I have grounded him from for calling me names. The situation exploded with him throwing one of my diningroom chairs at myself and my other two children as we sat at dinner, and telling me that I am a "worthless piece of crap, and am going straight to hell." I can't say I can find much passion to disagree with him, but I am still not going to allow him to speak to me like that.
The whole mess going on in my personal life is getting worse. My estranged "husband" insists that he wants to be a family again, and that we can leave all this past mess behind me. He wants to be allowed back into my home, and my life, and promises that I won't have to worry about any of this anymore. I began the process of freeing myself from the legal entanglements involving my marriage to him. When I spoke with him yesterday, all the stress and emotion that has been building for the past few months exploded, and through tears, I exclaimed that I hoped I would die so at least I would be able to find peace and rest. He claimed to be turning in his resignation effective immediately, and heading for my house this morning. I guess we will see if he shows up.
I do beg for peace, with every prayer in my heart. I am not strong, or capable. I have a heart, and a dream for my life which doesn't matter outside of fulfilling responsibilities that should be shared, which are now squarely set on my solitary shoulders. I am going to keep going, get Dustin out of the house, and then hopefully find my peace. That indeed will be a joyous day. I fear, that it will come, and I will find myself alone.
~And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way'
Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain
Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one
~ November Rain (Guns N Roses)
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