*sigh*
Following my previous postings, I have images of most of my friends who read this blog gently tiptoe-ing around me as to not provoke some kind of crazy woman attack. I can assure you, gentle readers, this is not the case. That was the explosion of much stress, which errupted in true emotional volcano style as I have been accustomed to.
It was a conversation this morning that really set the tone for my current outlook. I was on the phone with the t-mobile operator. I was re-adjusting my rate plan, because the one I had was just too big and too expensive. I don't use 1000 minutes a month,... nowhere near that, and I use my phone as much as I want. So, I reduced it to 700, which is the minimum plan with two lines. Then the subject of my second line came up. According to the usage documents, that line only has been used for two minutes that he wasn't calling me........
Two minutes,
At first, the lump of pain sat in the back of my throat, but it quickly dispersed. I have been laboring under the impression that to end this relationship, I would be failing at something. Not true. I don't need to end it, because it doesn't actually exist. It only exists for me.
The gentleman then pointed out that I am the owner of that line, therefore I have all the power over it. I can take myself down to the T-mobile store, change the number, activate a new sim card, and keep the line and use it for my mother, or my son, or anyone else "more worthy of it."
More worthy of it.......
I went home last night, and cleaned. It didn't take near as long as I feared it would, and all three kids helped. Then, once completed, we sat, ate popcorn, and enjoyed each other's company, and then (with a slight tantrum), the children went to bed, and I watched a TV show and went to sleep.
The whole point: for 33 years, I have been the one attempting to be more worthy. I have done nothing else but try to force my own worth out of others by several different means. My children deserve a better mother, this is true, but who's to say that it isn't me?
Next step: I am going to get outta this funk, I am waiting to hear an admissions decision into UH, where I work now, so I can finish up my bachelor's degree. Then I want to get my Teaching Certification, and then I want to apply to grad school and become Library Certified.
Then I want to get as far away from my old life as possible.....
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Overcoming the Darkness
I am still convinced that those who read my blog just do so for pity... therefore I will feel no guilt.... scratch that, I will feel less guilt for posting this post which I am about to post.
I hate my life. There is not one aspect of my life with which I look at with satisfaction. I am doing a half assed job at work, my kids are running wild, and recently i have been reminded that I am the adult, and they are the children, and if I need to suck up the fact that I am in this alone, then I need to get sucking, my house is constantly a mess, and I can't afford to adequately feed or clothe my children on my own salary because of all the bills I have to pay. Last night, everything really came to a head, and my air conditioning blinked out. Which meant I had to call the landlord. CRAPBALLS!!!!! The place looked worse than Nagasaki that day after!! Dishes in the sink, new life evolving in the small bedroom, and french fry soldiers plotting their takeover since morphing into conciousness in my son's room. The carpet is stained, there is clutter everywhere, and I have NO CLUE where to put stuff.
I have attempted to get the kids to manage their own things. This does not work. Therefore, it falls to me to manage everything, and since I can't walk across my own room without doing some sort of sick and twisted quickstep to avoid debris, this is a big problem.
Well, the landlord called me to inform me that the work had been completed on the air conditioner, but they noticed that the place wasn't very tidy. It states in my lease that I am required to keep the house "clean and sanitary" which doesn't provide excuses for when Dustin poops his pants.
So, what is there to do? Well, I am extremely depressed. My zoloft isn't even taking the edge off anymore. My kids need to see a good example, and I am definitely not it, so maybe sending them to live with their father for a while would be smart... except his 4th and 5th children will be born this fall, and they live in a one bedroom apartment in student housing. I leave for work at 7 each morning. I come home at 6 each night. I live for my weekends, and I usually spend them cleaning. I literally don't do anything else. I am at my wits end as to how to manage this.
The only thing I know for sure is: I have got to snap out of this funk. Or else, I may not live to see the next one.
I hate my life. There is not one aspect of my life with which I look at with satisfaction. I am doing a half assed job at work, my kids are running wild, and recently i have been reminded that I am the adult, and they are the children, and if I need to suck up the fact that I am in this alone, then I need to get sucking, my house is constantly a mess, and I can't afford to adequately feed or clothe my children on my own salary because of all the bills I have to pay. Last night, everything really came to a head, and my air conditioning blinked out. Which meant I had to call the landlord. CRAPBALLS!!!!! The place looked worse than Nagasaki that day after!! Dishes in the sink, new life evolving in the small bedroom, and french fry soldiers plotting their takeover since morphing into conciousness in my son's room. The carpet is stained, there is clutter everywhere, and I have NO CLUE where to put stuff.
I have attempted to get the kids to manage their own things. This does not work. Therefore, it falls to me to manage everything, and since I can't walk across my own room without doing some sort of sick and twisted quickstep to avoid debris, this is a big problem.
Well, the landlord called me to inform me that the work had been completed on the air conditioner, but they noticed that the place wasn't very tidy. It states in my lease that I am required to keep the house "clean and sanitary" which doesn't provide excuses for when Dustin poops his pants.
So, what is there to do? Well, I am extremely depressed. My zoloft isn't even taking the edge off anymore. My kids need to see a good example, and I am definitely not it, so maybe sending them to live with their father for a while would be smart... except his 4th and 5th children will be born this fall, and they live in a one bedroom apartment in student housing. I leave for work at 7 each morning. I come home at 6 each night. I live for my weekends, and I usually spend them cleaning. I literally don't do anything else. I am at my wits end as to how to manage this.
The only thing I know for sure is: I have got to snap out of this funk. Or else, I may not live to see the next one.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Payday Blues
I have a predicament dear readers... I don't make enough money to support my family. However, I make ok money as standards go. My education is incomplete, and therefore can't be used as a stepping stone to more money. I don't get any of the child support that has been ordered by the court. I don't pay TOO much money for my various bills. Except maybe the electric bill, which is high because I refuse to be constantly uncomfortable to avoid spending the extra 5 cents per kilowatt hour. My thermostat is set at 69 year round, so I have a high electric in the summer, and a low one in the winter. I should be the perfect candidate for balanced billing.
In the coming days of singlehood, I am going to be unable to really do much about my financial situation. My car is old, and needs to be replaced, but I can't afford the payment. My student loans are deferred right now, but will come due at the turn of the year, I owe my mother the equivalent of the national debt of several third world countries combined, and I need to begin paying that back, or she might get ornry, and you know what they say about ornry southern women.....
My life is not luxurious, nor meager. I have a level of comfort. It is considered a substandard level according to today's standards, but it is some comfort. I refuse to give up my cable TV, because then what would the kids do while we can't afford to go anywhere because it is too expensive to gas up the car.
I have got to figure out what to do. I can't get a second job,.... I barely have the energy to work the first one, much less do all the chores that wait for me at home. Yergh.
In the coming days of singlehood, I am going to be unable to really do much about my financial situation. My car is old, and needs to be replaced, but I can't afford the payment. My student loans are deferred right now, but will come due at the turn of the year, I owe my mother the equivalent of the national debt of several third world countries combined, and I need to begin paying that back, or she might get ornry, and you know what they say about ornry southern women.....
My life is not luxurious, nor meager. I have a level of comfort. It is considered a substandard level according to today's standards, but it is some comfort. I refuse to give up my cable TV, because then what would the kids do while we can't afford to go anywhere because it is too expensive to gas up the car.
I have got to figure out what to do. I can't get a second job,.... I barely have the energy to work the first one, much less do all the chores that wait for me at home. Yergh.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Friends in Low Places
Can one really look at life and determine it's value strictly by the number of friends? I guess that is one way to look at it, but then what defines a friend? Is it someone to whom you have shown love, charity? Or just someone to frequently speak to, or spend time with?
I have a person, whom until today I called him "friend". He is a raging alcoholic, and he has called me after having consumed more alcohol than some restaurants serve in a whole evening, and said the most vile things I could imagine, however, he was drunk.... and didn't remember it the next day. Is this supposed to be an excuse? Apparently, because any time I brought it up, "oh, i was drunk. Sorry"
Recently, he sent me a message on the computer, telling me that he felt like he was dying, or he wanted to die. He had consumed quarts of cheap wine, followed by half a bottle of vicodin, and aspirin. I began to panic. He asked me to promise that when he died, he would be able to leave his life insurance to my children, so he could make a difference in their lives.
He lived... and barely remembered this emotional ordeal.
He has called me everything from stupid, to a horrible mother while in this state. He makes comments that are sexual in nature, and a couple of times he has even touched me when I did not request it. Yet, he always claims that he truly loves me.
Today, I had my limit. It is true that I am having marriage problems, but they are my problems. I am completely guilty of reaching out to friends in order to work through my problems. However, today, he (in his drunken state) claimed that he was "better than" my estranged husband. I replied, "I disagree" It was met back with, "I am, and you know it"
The conversation continued, much farther than it should (I openly admit) and questions of "how many friends does hubby have?" The answer, not many, but the ones he does have are friends for life. His reply "See.... I have more than 20 friends that will email you and tell you that they are willing to stand up for me. See, I am better."
Now, the problems that I have with hubby are bad. I am not pretending they aren't. But, I don't see how problems make someone less than equal to everyone else. It is true that there are those who don't have the same problems as me.... they have different problems. It is this apparent lack of humility that sent me over the edge.
Of course, it always ends with me being a jerk, and not "loving" him or being a "true friend." I have been the best and the truest, but I am not blind, deaf or dumb. Someone with a bum's nest in their 9x9 room in their Aunt's house that looks like a refugee zone with no job, and with problems with alcohol and gambling are NOT better than anyone else out there. I don't believe that this life is about deciding who is "better." It is about helping others. Anything else is just prideful conciet. And trust me dear readers, this person has an enormous ego, but I have never understood why.
I have a person, whom until today I called him "friend". He is a raging alcoholic, and he has called me after having consumed more alcohol than some restaurants serve in a whole evening, and said the most vile things I could imagine, however, he was drunk.... and didn't remember it the next day. Is this supposed to be an excuse? Apparently, because any time I brought it up, "oh, i was drunk. Sorry"
Recently, he sent me a message on the computer, telling me that he felt like he was dying, or he wanted to die. He had consumed quarts of cheap wine, followed by half a bottle of vicodin, and aspirin. I began to panic. He asked me to promise that when he died, he would be able to leave his life insurance to my children, so he could make a difference in their lives.
He lived... and barely remembered this emotional ordeal.
He has called me everything from stupid, to a horrible mother while in this state. He makes comments that are sexual in nature, and a couple of times he has even touched me when I did not request it. Yet, he always claims that he truly loves me.
Today, I had my limit. It is true that I am having marriage problems, but they are my problems. I am completely guilty of reaching out to friends in order to work through my problems. However, today, he (in his drunken state) claimed that he was "better than" my estranged husband. I replied, "I disagree" It was met back with, "I am, and you know it"
The conversation continued, much farther than it should (I openly admit) and questions of "how many friends does hubby have?" The answer, not many, but the ones he does have are friends for life. His reply "See.... I have more than 20 friends that will email you and tell you that they are willing to stand up for me. See, I am better."
Now, the problems that I have with hubby are bad. I am not pretending they aren't. But, I don't see how problems make someone less than equal to everyone else. It is true that there are those who don't have the same problems as me.... they have different problems. It is this apparent lack of humility that sent me over the edge.
Of course, it always ends with me being a jerk, and not "loving" him or being a "true friend." I have been the best and the truest, but I am not blind, deaf or dumb. Someone with a bum's nest in their 9x9 room in their Aunt's house that looks like a refugee zone with no job, and with problems with alcohol and gambling are NOT better than anyone else out there. I don't believe that this life is about deciding who is "better." It is about helping others. Anything else is just prideful conciet. And trust me dear readers, this person has an enormous ego, but I have never understood why.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
The Honky Tonk Experience: How AARP members shake their groove things
Last night, in the wakes of my depression regarding hubby and his being missing and all, I got a thought to go to a local steakhouse for some good food. Usually when I go there, I get the most expensive steak on the menu, and sadly last night, I had to get the 3.99 hamburger, but I love the food, no matter what I order. I sat down in a room, and I noticed there was a tiny bandstand for one performer set up against a wall. As it turned out, one of my late-father's friends was performing last night, and i was seated in the area in which all his fans, who were also my father's fans were seated. I had a ball. I saw so many people that I hadn't seen in a very long time, and I had a rather reserved, upstanding load of fun singing at the top of my lungs and watching those around me joking around and it really gave me the chance to let my hair down, a little bit.
Hubby called last night, but I didn't talk to him. He called again this morning, and I spoke to him briefly. However, the time for talk is over, the time for action has come, stayed three days, and is now an uncomfortable houseguest that hogs the bathroom and insists on holding the remote control. I am just ready to toss him out on his butt.
Hubby called last night, but I didn't talk to him. He called again this morning, and I spoke to him briefly. However, the time for talk is over, the time for action has come, stayed three days, and is now an uncomfortable houseguest that hogs the bathroom and insists on holding the remote control. I am just ready to toss him out on his butt.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Primal Scream Therapy and Other Noise Violations
Right now, I wish I was a treehugging, hippie so I could legitimately go out into the woods and participate in primal scream therapy.... you know when people sit around and scream away all their stresses and pressures in a big decible-hefty release of sound. Well, if I did that at my house, it would interfere with the little children making messes, and the neighbors would lose money on their crack sales.
The kids will NOT clean their rooms. I am getting ready to file EPA violations against my boys, I walked in there this morning and there were complete, in tact french fries under the bed..... and when I told the responsible child to pick them up and put them in the trash, he said "can't the vacum get it?" "No," I responded... " Well, I am too tired. I need to lay down"
Then I realized: (yes I know my mother follows my blog) That was me! I am always too tired to do things. I work constantly, and when I get home, I want to relax and unwind, but I can't afford to. I need to be setting a good example of how one should do things... You get home, you pick up, then you relax.
Things with Hubby got better for a couple of weeks, then got worse, and are now non-existent. I haven't actually heard from him in 5 days. I am suffering with money, and he has his phone turned off. I don't actually know where he is or what he is doing, but I know that I can't reach him, and I realized, other than the piece of paper that declares us "man and wife" there is very little of a marriage between us. We share nothing... no bills, no money, he won't touch me when he does see me, and I have to literally beg if I need him to do anything for me or the kids.
I guess I know that I won't be able to marry again if I get a divorce. But I would rather be on my own than have to beg for love and attention from my husband. So, I guess I am headed to divorce court again.
The kids will NOT clean their rooms. I am getting ready to file EPA violations against my boys, I walked in there this morning and there were complete, in tact french fries under the bed..... and when I told the responsible child to pick them up and put them in the trash, he said "can't the vacum get it?" "No," I responded... " Well, I am too tired. I need to lay down"
Then I realized: (yes I know my mother follows my blog) That was me! I am always too tired to do things. I work constantly, and when I get home, I want to relax and unwind, but I can't afford to. I need to be setting a good example of how one should do things... You get home, you pick up, then you relax.
Things with Hubby got better for a couple of weeks, then got worse, and are now non-existent. I haven't actually heard from him in 5 days. I am suffering with money, and he has his phone turned off. I don't actually know where he is or what he is doing, but I know that I can't reach him, and I realized, other than the piece of paper that declares us "man and wife" there is very little of a marriage between us. We share nothing... no bills, no money, he won't touch me when he does see me, and I have to literally beg if I need him to do anything for me or the kids.
I guess I know that I won't be able to marry again if I get a divorce. But I would rather be on my own than have to beg for love and attention from my husband. So, I guess I am headed to divorce court again.
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