Overcoming the Darkness

I am still convinced that those who read my blog just do so for pity... therefore I will feel no guilt.... scratch that, I will feel less guilt for posting this post which I am about to post.

I hate my life. There is not one aspect of my life with which I look at with satisfaction. I am doing a half assed job at work, my kids are running wild, and recently i have been reminded that I am the adult, and they are the children, and if I need to suck up the fact that I am in this alone, then I need to get sucking, my house is constantly a mess, and I can't afford to adequately feed or clothe my children on my own salary because of all the bills I have to pay. Last night, everything really came to a head, and my air conditioning blinked out. Which meant I had to call the landlord. CRAPBALLS!!!!! The place looked worse than Nagasaki that day after!! Dishes in the sink, new life evolving in the small bedroom, and french fry soldiers plotting their takeover since morphing into conciousness in my son's room. The carpet is stained, there is clutter everywhere, and I have NO CLUE where to put stuff.

I have attempted to get the kids to manage their own things. This does not work. Therefore, it falls to me to manage everything, and since I can't walk across my own room without doing some sort of sick and twisted quickstep to avoid debris, this is a big problem.

Well, the landlord called me to inform me that the work had been completed on the air conditioner, but they noticed that the place wasn't very tidy. It states in my lease that I am required to keep the house "clean and sanitary" which doesn't provide excuses for when Dustin poops his pants.

So, what is there to do? Well, I am extremely depressed. My zoloft isn't even taking the edge off anymore. My kids need to see a good example, and I am definitely not it, so maybe sending them to live with their father for a while would be smart... except his 4th and 5th children will be born this fall, and they live in a one bedroom apartment in student housing. I leave for work at 7 each morning. I come home at 6 each night. I live for my weekends, and I usually spend them cleaning. I literally don't do anything else. I am at my wits end as to how to manage this.

The only thing I know for sure is: I have got to snap out of this funk. Or else, I may not live to see the next one.