The Quiet is Deafening...

*sigh*

Following my previous postings, I have images of most of my friends who read this blog gently tiptoe-ing around me as to not provoke some kind of crazy woman attack. I can assure you, gentle readers, this is not the case. That was the explosion of much stress, which errupted in true emotional volcano style as I have been accustomed to.

It was a conversation this morning that really set the tone for my current outlook. I was on the phone with the t-mobile operator. I was re-adjusting my rate plan, because the one I had was just too big and too expensive. I don't use 1000 minutes a month,... nowhere near that, and I use my phone as much as I want. So, I reduced it to 700, which is the minimum plan with two lines. Then the subject of my second line came up. According to the usage documents, that line only has been used for two minutes that he wasn't calling me........


Two minutes,

At first, the lump of pain sat in the back of my throat, but it quickly dispersed. I have been laboring under the impression that to end this relationship, I would be failing at something. Not true. I don't need to end it, because it doesn't actually exist. It only exists for me.

The gentleman then pointed out that I am the owner of that line, therefore I have all the power over it. I can take myself down to the T-mobile store, change the number, activate a new sim card, and keep the line and use it for my mother, or my son, or anyone else "more worthy of it."


More worthy of it.......

I went home last night, and cleaned. It didn't take near as long as I feared it would, and all three kids helped. Then, once completed, we sat, ate popcorn, and enjoyed each other's company, and then (with a slight tantrum), the children went to bed, and I watched a TV show and went to sleep.

The whole point: for 33 years, I have been the one attempting to be more worthy. I have done nothing else but try to force my own worth out of others by several different means. My children deserve a better mother, this is true, but who's to say that it isn't me?

Next step: I am going to get outta this funk, I am waiting to hear an admissions decision into UH, where I work now, so I can finish up my bachelor's degree. Then I want to get my Teaching Certification, and then I want to apply to grad school and become Library Certified.

Then I want to get as far away from my old life as possible.....