Christmas Fun and Partying down--without the lampshade on my head

Well Readers,

It seems that my 2009 has been yet another drama filled adventure in pathetic. *sigh* However, I have made many strides in my life, and am NOT living with my mother! I will wait for the jubilent rejoicing to subside (Mom...cool it). I have found my passion for work this year, and I have discovered that my children truly are the center of my world, and that my world is fine with them at the center.

I got a new job this year, and I love it. I enjoy my work, and have met so many wonderful people that I now count as friends. I hope that in 2010 I can meet many more, and have similar happiness in the workplace.

Dervish has grown up so much this year. He is in 5th grade now, and no longer sleeps with his stuffed dog, puppy. The stuffed leopard, Phil, is much more manly. He also experienced his first break-up this year. His first crush broke his heart, and yet they still managed to come out of it as friends. (However, I am STILL watching her..closely)

Princessa has grown up a lot too, and I thank the Almighty Father in Heaven daily for her teacher. This is the kind of 1st grade teacher that so many wish for, but my little girl needed. She is thriving and achieving under her direction.

Little Dude has had many challenges this year, and probably will have them for a long time. However, we are working the problems. We are going to make 2010 "the year of the Little Dude!" and make this year the best ever.

I realize this is reading like a bad family newsletter, but this is more for me and the recording of the progress of my family.

On a lighter note, Christmas eve we will be making cookies for Santa, watching the Polar Express, and A Christmas Story (at least four or five times). I can relate to this movie, after all, I did get my first phone call from the Assistant principal this year telling me that Dervish had to sit out from 4th grade field day for dropping the f-bomb.

Then New Year's Eve will be our Annual Monkey Brothers Film Festival Extraordinaire. The theme this year will be "Johnny Depp: Through the Ages" we will begin with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, then move backwards through the Pirate movies, and on from there... the later the time, the more "grown up" selections will be. "Cry Baby" will probably be screened around 11:45 after all the kids are asleep. Then, New Year's morning, we will have our annual brunch, except this year each kid gets to prepare a dish for our own mini "Top Chef" competition. I think I might film it and send it to Tom Colicchio and maybe make a name for myself.

Well, I leave you dear readers for the Christmas break, and wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas, and a Happy, Blessed, prosperous New Year.

Christen

Holiday Parties and the joy of gift giving

Today, dearest readers, we celebrated the holiday season with a Christmas/Kwanza/Chanukah/New Year/Black Friday/Pez appreciation day party. At this party, there were 7 metric tons of food. Really... I measured. I think it was the beef ribs that put us over the top. I even tried "curried eggs." Now, a discerning foodie such as myself has sampled all sorts of cuisine..... for example: I went to a Thai restaurant once. The chicken nuggets and boiled shrimp were delightful.

So, to see these morning delights covered in sauce that smelled like nothing I had ever experienced....... excitement.

Moving on......

After all the food had been consumed... seriously people, pharmacists can pack it away. We went on to play the "white elephant" gift game. All the gifts were stacked on one table in the corner, a shining beacon of gift giving glory....until the first gift was opened. A hot plate...... ..............................................................................................................................................................

next, someone opened a snowman that sang. It got stolen three times before ending up with an administrator that drives a Lexus XL. My contribution was a pair of binoculars. They went to someone who immediately held them up and said "anyone want to take these?" The real pinnacle of the game was the bottle of wine/flashlight. So, that when you get done with the wine, you can find your way to the bathroom. The true joy of gift giving for the holiday season. Ahhhhh. So, good food, good conversation, sharing a meal with colleagues and friends, and exploiting materialism at it's finest by giving each other crap you don't want or can't sell at a yard sale. Merry Christmas!

Hey Dude! That's MY Snuggie

For those in my handful of readers who know my sister.. over at folksy musins, she has posted many times about the snuggie... the blanket with sleeves that all of us who have breath in our lungs covet with the power of 10,000 suns. Yes, the snuggie, the enormous fleece blanket with sleeves. It probably took all of $3.00 to make, and has a seam that is already coming out. But it is now available at Dollar General for $15.99

I was lucky enough to have one bestowed upon me this past weekend, by my ex husband's grandmother whom I have adopted as one of my own. She bestowed upon me, her last unopened snuggie. I was shocked, but grateful.

However, my son, Dervish, who is my first born. The one I turn to for help vacuuming, and taking out trash, he STOLE my snuggie. This gift bestowed on me, is now in the clutches of the 10 year old who thinks that Hostess cakes are a food group.

So, today, dear readers, weep! Weep for my brush with greatness cut too short, in that I have owned a snuggie, and lost it to someone younger and cuter than I. I guess I will have to settle for my slanket, and the Sham-azing!

*sigh*

Commencement Time

In my efforts to navigate through this crazy thing we call life, I have graduated a couple of times. I hardly remember graduating from Kindergarten.... I have vague flashes of my beloved Kindergarten teacher (and now dear friend) Ms. Duvall handing me my tiny plastic diploma, and allowing me to hug her thighs, awkwardly. I remember my graduation from 8th grade, which was in a time before such events were celebrated as they are today. I remember my graduation from high school... I was still trying to find one of my teachers to make sure I passed a final exam before the ceremony. (Sorry Mom.. I don't know if you knew that part)

Today, I graduate from my viewpoint on life. In the past week, I have had several epiphanies about how I lived, and my own viewpoint on how life should be. I have spent most of my energy in this blog complaining about how bad things happen to me, when the point has always been that I allowed it to happen. The wave of emotion that hit me when I realized that my misfortune wasn't because I was cursed, (but was due to the fact that I welcomed misfortune like a guest with good soap, and fluffy towels) created a Tsunami in my chest.

My focus in this life has been finding my other half. Finding a man with whom I could love, and make a life with, and when that pursuit became too hard, I took the path of least resistance. The fallout was devastating. I should have known then that I should stop trying. Instead, I allowed mistake #2 to bind his soul with mine in the House of God. The fallout of that is still hitting me like I have a target painted on my backside. I should have known then.... Here I sit, in the midst of fallout of mistake #3, and I wonder.... What does someone such as myself deserve? The iron maiden? The rack? A public beheading? The pain I have had to endure? -- I have reaped what I have sown for myself and my children.

So, it is now time to cast off the shackles that adorn my heart. If the pain is my own, then I must take command of it. I can live passionately, and with some joy even in the absence of my fondest dream. I have my children, and one day I will have grandchildren. I have my mother, who is dearer to me than my own life. I have good friends, and that circle grows daily. I have books to read, and movies to watch, and snarky remarks to utter.

So, dearest readers, I move the tassel to the other side of my life, and begin anew. Since it is a graduation of sorts... I think I will go get myself a gift. If you need me, I will be at Ross!

Coverage Update

*****Breaking News Flash******

My hair has gone (officially) 85% gray now. I will have to strip the color, and go lighter if I intend to keep it colored. UGH

That is all, now back to your regularly scheduled blogosphere*******

The Wisdom of Bohemian Rhapsody & other Songs & Reflections

Is this the real life-
Is this just fantasy-
Caught in a landslide-
No escape from reality-
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see-
Im just a poor boy, (girl)
i need no sympathy-
Because Im easy come,easy go,
A little high,little low,
Anyway the wind blows,
doesnt really matter to me,
To me.... ~Freddie Mercury


These words speak, of course by interpretation, to me and really kind of give me insight on my current situation. I am caught in a landslide of extremely poor luck/unfortunate circumstances. There is no escape from my reality. I live in the virtual groundhog day version of hell. I get up in the morning, I get the kids off to school, always worrying that Dustin is one kick or bite away from the special ed campus. I battle the traffic, and I do mean battle, getting to work. A 24 mile commute takes an hour to an hour and 15 minutes each morning. So I am usually late. This is always pointed out loudly when all the staff members have returned with their morning coffee.

I work, often without a break, until around 5 PM. Usually having to tell students that they will need to bring their issues back to me in the morning, because the office closes at 5. At 5 PM, I head for the door. I am usually out the door by 5:03, and to my car by 5:05. I get on the freeway which is less than a mile away at 5:26. I struggle, and often bend the law to make it home by 6. The kids are now in afterschool care. I discovered yesterday that when the program directors say they close at 6, this is actually "We are paid to stay until 6, but if you make us stay that late, we will hate you and make rude comments to you when you pick up your children!" I picked them up yesterday at 5:59, and got a three minute lecture on parental responsibility and paying attention to my children.

The same song and dance that I usually find at home with my children then started with my oldest child, regarding the television that is now sitting in my livingroom. He got used to having it in his room, and when I removed it, exclaimed his displeasure. He wants to be able to do nothing but play his playstation games, watch TV, and text on a cell phone with his friends. All of the above I have grounded him from for calling me names. The situation exploded with him throwing one of my diningroom chairs at myself and my other two children as we sat at dinner, and telling me that I am a "worthless piece of crap, and am going straight to hell." I can't say I can find much passion to disagree with him, but I am still not going to allow him to speak to me like that.

The whole mess going on in my personal life is getting worse. My estranged "husband" insists that he wants to be a family again, and that we can leave all this past mess behind me. He wants to be allowed back into my home, and my life, and promises that I won't have to worry about any of this anymore. I began the process of freeing myself from the legal entanglements involving my marriage to him. When I spoke with him yesterday, all the stress and emotion that has been building for the past few months exploded, and through tears, I exclaimed that I hoped I would die so at least I would be able to find peace and rest. He claimed to be turning in his resignation effective immediately, and heading for my house this morning. I guess we will see if he shows up.

I do beg for peace, with every prayer in my heart. I am not strong, or capable. I have a heart, and a dream for my life which doesn't matter outside of fulfilling responsibilities that should be shared, which are now squarely set on my solitary shoulders. I am going to keep going, get Dustin out of the house, and then hopefully find my peace. That indeed will be a joyous day. I fear, that it will come, and I will find myself alone.

~And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way'
Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain
Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one
~ November Rain (Guns N Roses)

Frustrations and Elizabeth Taylor

I, being the over-dramatic single mother that I am, sometimes get extremely frustrated with myself over the smallest things. This is nothing compared to what my son, Little Dude, goes through. He gets frustrated if ANYTHING is out of place, or doesn't go the way he expects. He not only dislikes change, he LOATHES it. This morning, we were pulling out of the driveway, and I started moving before the seatbelt clicked, and I had to stop. Pull back in the driveway, talk him down from the roof, and convince him to buckle it, then wait a count of 10, and then proceed.

I am beginning to feel as though I am in general competition with those grand dame multiple divorcee's. Just because i have made three huge relationship mistakes in my life doesn't make me Elizabeth Taylor. On the contrary.... she is rich! I have no plans to make a fourth mistake. I wish I could just let it go and just live happily as a single mother forever, and then see what really exists on the other side. Who knows, for all my suffering, I may get a younger, chaste, Antonio Banderas lookalike in Heaven. One can only dream......

Taking a break from depression

Taking a departure from my usual gloom and doom in my blog postings....

I ordered some catering from a restaurant in Houston today... a FRENCH restaurant.

Why is it when a man with an accent speaks to me, I automatically begin channeling Minnie Mouse? My voice was high and squeaky, and I had the uncontrollable urge to giggle endlessly. It is absolutely freaky how I allowed this frenchman to speak to me... all professionality went out the window.. he was asking me how tall I was and what color my eyes are.... I mean, the nerve!

I am STILL smiling and giggling to myself :)

The brightest day

I have been doing a great deal of thinking and reflecting over the last little bit about life and the nature of it. Things change so fast, and my children are growing so quickly that it is difficult to pinpoint some of the true MOMENTS that define happiness. Right now things are so focused on getting through the workday, and getting things cleaned up, and doing this thing properly, or that thing properly.

I am finally beginning to accept my life for what it has turned out to be. I have lots of regrets about my past, but nothing to cripple my desire for the future. I do feel slightly pathetic that I am now 33 years old and I just have started to master the idea of having a clean kitchen every night. However, I am referring more to the fulfilling aspects of life rather than the rote day-to-day necessities. {author's note: I am speaking purely of what fulfills me, not necessarily what fulfills others}

This weekend, I want to have our house cleaned by noon, and then spend the rest of the day playing with my children. Then Sunday, I would actually like to go to church, and spend some time worshipping while attempting to keep my mind from screaming mentally every time I see someone kiss their husband or wife. Honestly, I want to shoot myself every time I hear someone say that marriage is the key to eternal happiness.... but it is everywhere.

So, the monkey brothers are moving on to the next phase of life. Still plagued by poverty, and struggles with contention, but hand-in-hand none the less.

A decade ago today.....

It is an especially reflective time for me since my oldest son turns ten years old tomorrow. I started thinking about where I was a decade ago....

I was sitting in my parent's livingroom with my feet (which were swollen beyond recognition) propped up on a pillow, watching something completely mindless. I had never heard of Harry Potter, no one had even thought of Twilight, Columbine was still fresh on everyone's mind, and my brother had just graduated high school and was preparing to leave on his mission for the church.

My mother worked full time, and my father was still with us, working and playing in his band. I remember watching my stomach roll back and forth with the new life contained within thinking what kind of mother I was going to be, and how much I truly loved my unborn son.

The stoogian drama that took place the following day... the day of my son's birth.... is an entry all on it's own, and I will spare the gory details, but I will say that Zachary made quite the entrance into the world and my life. He was so small, and fragile, with a full head of bright red hair. I think my heart doubled in size that day. Between my father actually having to watch the delivery, and my mother attempting to keep calm while whispering "you're doing so good" to me it was an exhausting day for our family. Now, as a 10 year old, Zachary is preparing to set the 5th grade on fire with his intelligence and humor. He gives so much passion to what he loves. I can testify that he doesn't love cleaning his room, or doing laundry, but he will help when asked (profusely, and loudly)

Since then, I have travelled long, and hard. Most of my life has been frought with mistake after mistake, and setback after setback, but I must be doing something right, because I have completely wonderful kids. Zachary is a testament to my life... and it is he, his brother and sister, that my reason for living is manifest.

Happy Birthday Zachary, I love you baby!

Depressed Depths and Designer Shoes

I have been going through a very difficult depression of late. With everything that has been happening, I guess one could call it "normal" to go through a depression. I am trying to find a way out of it, but it is extremely difficult.

However, it does put lots of things in perspective. The superficial nature of the world for example... many women of my peer age are more concerned with the name brand on their backside or their feet, when the important things are more geared toward the heart. True, it is important that food be on the table, and clothing be in the closet; a roof over the head is essential, and where I live, transportation with air conditioning is a fundamental need. The common denominator among this is money. The cold, soulless pursuit of financial gain (in my opinion) is the antithesis of God's goodness and mercy. I don't believe that money itself is bad, or it is wrong to have it, but I do believe that it is wrong that our society puts such emphasis on it that the most fundamental ways of life are denied to those who don't possess it.

I am a firm believer that we need to focus on the "important things" in life. However, being who I am and having whatever mind-altering problems I have, I cannot see past the priority of the day.

Independence Day

Single parenthood provides many challenges. Discipline, housekeeping, cooking etc. The "double day" is a way of life in my house. However, when petitioning for the ERA, our feminist sisters failed to take into account.... HOLIDAYS!!!!! Now, those of us who are fortunate enough to have jobs that give you federal holidays off were off on Friday, July 3rd due to the 4th being on a Saturday. To most, this would have been consiered an advantage..... for me, it was just more time that I was too tired to clean up after my children.

My health has been suffering of late, and I am convinced that I am going to shrivel up and meet my maker ten minutes after Dustin graduates from high school, and I think that would be ok as long as destiny waits long enough for my kids to be able to care for themselves. But, while those fortunate were firing up the barbecue, and warmly greeting family and friends, I was screaming "don't poop on that!" to my 5 year old as he ran through the house, naked.

I decided to invest a modest amount of money on some new furniture for my home, and in so doing made it much easier to entertain guests that come to visit, however, it is now much harder to get the kids to pick up after themselves, because I am perched in a protective stance over the new furniture, responding to every child that even attempts to pass through the livingroom with a "what do you think you are doing with that drink???? At the table, now!" I don't even want to think about my reaction to the chex mix, or PBJ.....

It is true that my home hasn't always (or ever) been the cleanest, or the freshest, but I am bound and determined to keep my $300 leather furniture nice...


Then I might be pathetic and lonely, but I will be pathetic and lonely and smell like leather!!

The Quiet is Deafening...

*sigh*

Following my previous postings, I have images of most of my friends who read this blog gently tiptoe-ing around me as to not provoke some kind of crazy woman attack. I can assure you, gentle readers, this is not the case. That was the explosion of much stress, which errupted in true emotional volcano style as I have been accustomed to.

It was a conversation this morning that really set the tone for my current outlook. I was on the phone with the t-mobile operator. I was re-adjusting my rate plan, because the one I had was just too big and too expensive. I don't use 1000 minutes a month,... nowhere near that, and I use my phone as much as I want. So, I reduced it to 700, which is the minimum plan with two lines. Then the subject of my second line came up. According to the usage documents, that line only has been used for two minutes that he wasn't calling me........


Two minutes,

At first, the lump of pain sat in the back of my throat, but it quickly dispersed. I have been laboring under the impression that to end this relationship, I would be failing at something. Not true. I don't need to end it, because it doesn't actually exist. It only exists for me.

The gentleman then pointed out that I am the owner of that line, therefore I have all the power over it. I can take myself down to the T-mobile store, change the number, activate a new sim card, and keep the line and use it for my mother, or my son, or anyone else "more worthy of it."


More worthy of it.......

I went home last night, and cleaned. It didn't take near as long as I feared it would, and all three kids helped. Then, once completed, we sat, ate popcorn, and enjoyed each other's company, and then (with a slight tantrum), the children went to bed, and I watched a TV show and went to sleep.

The whole point: for 33 years, I have been the one attempting to be more worthy. I have done nothing else but try to force my own worth out of others by several different means. My children deserve a better mother, this is true, but who's to say that it isn't me?

Next step: I am going to get outta this funk, I am waiting to hear an admissions decision into UH, where I work now, so I can finish up my bachelor's degree. Then I want to get my Teaching Certification, and then I want to apply to grad school and become Library Certified.

Then I want to get as far away from my old life as possible.....

OTD II: Final Notes

Overcoming the Darkness

I am still convinced that those who read my blog just do so for pity... therefore I will feel no guilt.... scratch that, I will feel less guilt for posting this post which I am about to post.

I hate my life. There is not one aspect of my life with which I look at with satisfaction. I am doing a half assed job at work, my kids are running wild, and recently i have been reminded that I am the adult, and they are the children, and if I need to suck up the fact that I am in this alone, then I need to get sucking, my house is constantly a mess, and I can't afford to adequately feed or clothe my children on my own salary because of all the bills I have to pay. Last night, everything really came to a head, and my air conditioning blinked out. Which meant I had to call the landlord. CRAPBALLS!!!!! The place looked worse than Nagasaki that day after!! Dishes in the sink, new life evolving in the small bedroom, and french fry soldiers plotting their takeover since morphing into conciousness in my son's room. The carpet is stained, there is clutter everywhere, and I have NO CLUE where to put stuff.

I have attempted to get the kids to manage their own things. This does not work. Therefore, it falls to me to manage everything, and since I can't walk across my own room without doing some sort of sick and twisted quickstep to avoid debris, this is a big problem.

Well, the landlord called me to inform me that the work had been completed on the air conditioner, but they noticed that the place wasn't very tidy. It states in my lease that I am required to keep the house "clean and sanitary" which doesn't provide excuses for when Dustin poops his pants.

So, what is there to do? Well, I am extremely depressed. My zoloft isn't even taking the edge off anymore. My kids need to see a good example, and I am definitely not it, so maybe sending them to live with their father for a while would be smart... except his 4th and 5th children will be born this fall, and they live in a one bedroom apartment in student housing. I leave for work at 7 each morning. I come home at 6 each night. I live for my weekends, and I usually spend them cleaning. I literally don't do anything else. I am at my wits end as to how to manage this.

The only thing I know for sure is: I have got to snap out of this funk. Or else, I may not live to see the next one.

Payday Blues

I have a predicament dear readers... I don't make enough money to support my family. However, I make ok money as standards go. My education is incomplete, and therefore can't be used as a stepping stone to more money. I don't get any of the child support that has been ordered by the court. I don't pay TOO much money for my various bills. Except maybe the electric bill, which is high because I refuse to be constantly uncomfortable to avoid spending the extra 5 cents per kilowatt hour. My thermostat is set at 69 year round, so I have a high electric in the summer, and a low one in the winter. I should be the perfect candidate for balanced billing.

In the coming days of singlehood, I am going to be unable to really do much about my financial situation. My car is old, and needs to be replaced, but I can't afford the payment. My student loans are deferred right now, but will come due at the turn of the year, I owe my mother the equivalent of the national debt of several third world countries combined, and I need to begin paying that back, or she might get ornry, and you know what they say about ornry southern women.....

My life is not luxurious, nor meager. I have a level of comfort. It is considered a substandard level according to today's standards, but it is some comfort. I refuse to give up my cable TV, because then what would the kids do while we can't afford to go anywhere because it is too expensive to gas up the car.

I have got to figure out what to do. I can't get a second job,.... I barely have the energy to work the first one, much less do all the chores that wait for me at home. Yergh.

Friends in Low Places

Can one really look at life and determine it's value strictly by the number of friends? I guess that is one way to look at it, but then what defines a friend? Is it someone to whom you have shown love, charity? Or just someone to frequently speak to, or spend time with?

I have a person, whom until today I called him "friend". He is a raging alcoholic, and he has called me after having consumed more alcohol than some restaurants serve in a whole evening, and said the most vile things I could imagine, however, he was drunk.... and didn't remember it the next day. Is this supposed to be an excuse? Apparently, because any time I brought it up, "oh, i was drunk. Sorry"

Recently, he sent me a message on the computer, telling me that he felt like he was dying, or he wanted to die. He had consumed quarts of cheap wine, followed by half a bottle of vicodin, and aspirin. I began to panic. He asked me to promise that when he died, he would be able to leave his life insurance to my children, so he could make a difference in their lives.
He lived... and barely remembered this emotional ordeal.

He has called me everything from stupid, to a horrible mother while in this state. He makes comments that are sexual in nature, and a couple of times he has even touched me when I did not request it. Yet, he always claims that he truly loves me.

Today, I had my limit. It is true that I am having marriage problems, but they are my problems. I am completely guilty of reaching out to friends in order to work through my problems. However, today, he (in his drunken state) claimed that he was "better than" my estranged husband. I replied, "I disagree" It was met back with, "I am, and you know it"

The conversation continued, much farther than it should (I openly admit) and questions of "how many friends does hubby have?" The answer, not many, but the ones he does have are friends for life. His reply "See.... I have more than 20 friends that will email you and tell you that they are willing to stand up for me. See, I am better."

Now, the problems that I have with hubby are bad. I am not pretending they aren't. But, I don't see how problems make someone less than equal to everyone else. It is true that there are those who don't have the same problems as me.... they have different problems. It is this apparent lack of humility that sent me over the edge.

Of course, it always ends with me being a jerk, and not "loving" him or being a "true friend." I have been the best and the truest, but I am not blind, deaf or dumb. Someone with a bum's nest in their 9x9 room in their Aunt's house that looks like a refugee zone with no job, and with problems with alcohol and gambling are NOT better than anyone else out there. I don't believe that this life is about deciding who is "better." It is about helping others. Anything else is just prideful conciet. And trust me dear readers, this person has an enormous ego, but I have never understood why.

The Honky Tonk Experience: How AARP members shake their groove things

Last night, in the wakes of my depression regarding hubby and his being missing and all, I got a thought to go to a local steakhouse for some good food. Usually when I go there, I get the most expensive steak on the menu, and sadly last night, I had to get the 3.99 hamburger, but I love the food, no matter what I order. I sat down in a room, and I noticed there was a tiny bandstand for one performer set up against a wall. As it turned out, one of my late-father's friends was performing last night, and i was seated in the area in which all his fans, who were also my father's fans were seated. I had a ball. I saw so many people that I hadn't seen in a very long time, and I had a rather reserved, upstanding load of fun singing at the top of my lungs and watching those around me joking around and it really gave me the chance to let my hair down, a little bit.

Hubby called last night, but I didn't talk to him. He called again this morning, and I spoke to him briefly. However, the time for talk is over, the time for action has come, stayed three days, and is now an uncomfortable houseguest that hogs the bathroom and insists on holding the remote control. I am just ready to toss him out on his butt.

Primal Scream Therapy and Other Noise Violations

Right now, I wish I was a treehugging, hippie so I could legitimately go out into the woods and participate in primal scream therapy.... you know when people sit around and scream away all their stresses and pressures in a big decible-hefty release of sound. Well, if I did that at my house, it would interfere with the little children making messes, and the neighbors would lose money on their crack sales.

The kids will NOT clean their rooms. I am getting ready to file EPA violations against my boys, I walked in there this morning and there were complete, in tact french fries under the bed..... and when I told the responsible child to pick them up and put them in the trash, he said "can't the vacum get it?" "No," I responded... " Well, I am too tired. I need to lay down"

Then I realized: (yes I know my mother follows my blog) That was me! I am always too tired to do things. I work constantly, and when I get home, I want to relax and unwind, but I can't afford to. I need to be setting a good example of how one should do things... You get home, you pick up, then you relax.

Things with Hubby got better for a couple of weeks, then got worse, and are now non-existent. I haven't actually heard from him in 5 days. I am suffering with money, and he has his phone turned off. I don't actually know where he is or what he is doing, but I know that I can't reach him, and I realized, other than the piece of paper that declares us "man and wife" there is very little of a marriage between us. We share nothing... no bills, no money, he won't touch me when he does see me, and I have to literally beg if I need him to do anything for me or the kids.

I guess I know that I won't be able to marry again if I get a divorce. But I would rather be on my own than have to beg for love and attention from my husband. So, I guess I am headed to divorce court again.

Needing a major pep talk

Scene: My house(filthy as ever)
Players: The monkey brothers (Mom, Z, L & D)

The tv is playing top chef as Mom enters scene left

Mom: Kids, you need to clean your rooms. They haven't been clean for 345 years. You need to clean them and liberate all the prisoners of war.

Kids: Mom, we're too tired, so we're going out to play with our friends.

Mom: No, you need to clean your rooms.

Kids: What? We can't hear you, we're outside already!


Fin...

I need a serious pep talk. Why am I even doing this?


I want my Mommy

Update on Life

I am trying so hard to be able to make it through the next few weeks. The difficulty I am having with hubby is just becoming more than I can even stand. It makes me angry, then weepy, then hopeful, then weepy again. I miss him, and love him, and hate him all at the same time.

The truth is: we have not had a "real" marriage in a very long time. He left me in January to return to work and I have only seen him once since. The struggles going on with us are overwhelming. I am just wanting to make it from day to day. I am not crying, or feeling weak. I am trying to find my place. He has asked me for six months to get his stuff together and set us up as a family. In all honesty, he has been out working, but his family has very rarely benefitted from it. I don't know what he spends his money on, but it isn't given to us. I just changed jobs, I am here by myself attempting to make it through until he can (or is willing to) assist in our care. I am not a greedy person.... all I have ever wanted was to have enough to make it through, but it always comes back to me having to do everything and go above and beyond to take care of my family, and asking my mother to bail me out of financial mess after financial mess.

I am sick of it......

Life Reboot.... Do not adjust your screen

Yes, dear readers, it is I. I am sitting on the eve of the next great reboot in my life. Tomorrow I will walk into the hallowed halls of University of Houston as a full time, bona fide employee. Jazzed does not even describe the beginning of how this feels. For the longest time, my desire has been to become a part of a big university in some form or fashion, and begin the journey towards my eventual goals of becoming a librarian. Granted, the Graduate school of pharmacy isn't anywhere near the library, it would take about 30 minutes to even get there, but hey, it is a starting place, and I am grateful for it. I will have my own office, although humbler than the last one. I am so excited about this new grand adventure, and it begins tomorrow.

This will also give me an excuse to put the unpleasantness of the past behind me, and begin again, and be able to offer my children and my family a better life. I have been attempting to place some kind of humorous charicature on this experience, but there is none. I am getting yet another chance to start over, and I will take it and run.

Last days

Today is my last day at work. I am filled with nostalgia, and sorrow. Mainly, because this is something I have been doing for two+ years and I actually finished it the right way. I followed through and finished it till the end. I am very sad to go and leave my office, which will probably be the only "corner" office I will ever have. I am sad to leave behind all my friends that I have made here, and the joy they bring to my life.

I am grateful for my new job, and the excitement and the positive influence I can bring to it. I am nervous about making a mistake, and doing something to make them regret hiring me.

I am sad to see one door close, but excited and nervous to have another open wide in front of me. I am grateful to my family and my friends for all their support. I am grateful to my children who have been patient and caring all the time while I am working. I have come so far since March 26, 2005 when I was asked to leave my home, and with two suitcases, two carseats, 2 babies and a Kindergartener I boarded a plane, and began the journey of starting over. That day I had nothing but the children in my arms, some clothes, and today, I am in a home, my children are growing, and I am on the threshold of something truly great.

I am, today, truly blessed. But I still have a long way to go

Crime and punishments:2009

Well, since I am confident that nobody actually reads this blog on a regular basis, I am going to use it to get all my frustrations regarding my current difficulty out.

I got a phone call last week, from a woman who is claiming that my husband of 7 months is still married to her. My husband is a truck driver, and that profession carries a stereotype of having a woman in every truckstop in all corners of the United States. I have to admit though, my husband is not the one I would believe this about. He joined my church, and that doesn't speak of someone who is trying to maintain some kind of fraud, because that created another form of identification... a baptizm record. He speaks constantly of adopting my children, and making a family for us, and us retiring together on the shore of a mountain lake in Kentucky. He tells me that I am June Carter to his Johnny Cash. Both of us have been hurt. We have both been through divorces and dealt with cheating, so when I got this call, you could have knocked me over with a feather. *slight chants of Jerry! Jerry! rising*

Anyway, she has been bombarding me with phone calls, and facebook messages, etc, and all I can do is kind of sit back and mourn the happiness we had started to build... not that it was perfect, we are still struggling with money, and all, but things were actually working towards a goal.

I have performed every background check I can find. I have spent close to $100, and found nothing. There is no documentation of any legitimate marriage between these people. Hubby has admitted a live-in relationship with this woman, but claims that it was her obsession with him that ended the relationship and that they were never legally married. What he failed to take into account was the legal rammafications of a common law situation. *Ignores the deafening chants of "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!*

What has in fact happened is nothing malicious, but surmounts to a huge clerical error. This woman took his name, and they cohabitated for a period longer than 2 years. In any legal light, this constitutes a common law marriage. However, he was not legally divorced from his first wife until January of 06... which leaves it open to judicial interpretation as to whether or not an actual marriage exists.

My head is spinning, and I am waiting any moment for Jeff Foxworthy to bring me my free lifetime membership to the trailer park. The short of it is: I don't want this much drama in my life!!!!!! I love my husband that is true, but I have lost people before, and while it is tragic when a marriage relationship ends, I will survive. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them. I don't want to be with someone who is asking me to divide his attention with anything besides employment. My family is important to me, more important than any man.

Now, I know what you are all thinking, I should turn my tragedy into a reality competition show... make a million dollars, and retire. No... I think not. I am going to do what everyone on the Rock of Love Bus would never do........... nothing. I don't want a man I have to fight for. I don't want to have to engage in a stripper pole dance off, or a catfight in a vat of chocolate pudding. If someone is going to be married to me, they have to love, honor, cherish, and nookie only me. Anything else is not acceptable.

So, forget any hair pulling episodes of Jerry Springer. This girl is moving on with her life, and should my husband choose to do so at my side, then all other circumstances will have to be dealt with and resolved, and put in the past. It is up to him. I am moving forward, with or without him.

Pre-Tween drama and Dirty words

I have three beautiful children... at least on days I don't want to throttle them, and the oldest will be 10 this summer. So, according to the new hip-parenting lingo he is a pre-tween. Not a kid but not yet a pre-adolecent. Well, it seems as if he is entering the difficult phases of puberty without the puberty. Last night he asked me some incredibly uncomfortable questions about his anatomy and what is acceptable to do with it, and I was totally taken aback. My husband, being the person he is, is of course not home and I had to deal with it. Then I had to shower. Honestly, the idea of my son having any kind of thoughts about adult matters is just not something I am going to accept. Then, this morning, my son and his girlfriend (which is his best friend who happens to be a girl) were playing soccer at the bus stop and all heck broke loose when he missed a kick. Instead of rationally discussing the problem, he explodes and begins to curse like a.....well truck driver..... (thanks honey!) I had to calm the child down while attempting to dress my youngest child who is preparing for a career as an escape artist.

I am tired. I need a diet coke

Gifts from God and other ways of making a mess

Dearest readers,

I am first and foremost a mother of three, and thus is my calling in life. However, I continually amaze and awe over the wide spectrum of distruction that can be caused by six little hands and six little feet.

We arrived home last night from our Easter trip to visit the kids' grandparents (code for my ex husband's parents) in Lytle, TX. This entire town is filled with two substances: 1.) God-fearing, hard working, small town Americans, and 2.) Dirt. It is the second substance by which my children gain the majority of their enjoyment while visiting in Lytle. When we arrived home yesterday, my youngest son, the angel blonde Paul Newman-blue-eyed- adonis of a little boy was essentially doing his impression of the peanuts character pig-pen. And with this impression, he left a trail of dirt from the car to the livingroom to the bedroom, to the bathroom that could make a white glove cry.

Now, I am the last person out there who is anal about cleaning. However, returning from Lytle makes even me cringe. I will now spend the next 4 days wondering how I am going to clean my house, and then Friday I will be depressed because I haven't cleaned it, then Saturday, I will clean it. And so it goes.....

Weekend vacation: Priceless

Well, dear readers, I have just returned from an extended weekend vacation in Dallas, TX. My darling husband and myself and our three demons... I mean children decided to meet in Dallas. Due to husband's very posh, and somewhat lavish employment as a truck driver, we don't get to see him at home very much, so when we do get together, we like to do things like eat a meal together, and sleep in the same room. So, our weekend in Dallas was supposed to be a little modest mini-vacay.... and it turned into an excuse to spend $85.95.

Our first stop was the motel... now my children have had an active discussion going on regarding the difference between a Motel and a Hotel. They came down to the fact that Motels are small and Hotels are huge... this place we stayed at was tiny, and it had no ventillation.... afterall the contact high we got from the people smoking weed down the hall was rather strong. This locale sparked our first outting on this mini-vacation and that was ROSS..... We needed to purchase additional pillows that had less bacteria and organisms in them, and thus went to buy them at Ross.... We spent $85.95.

We tried to go to Mideval Times which not only was sold out, but cost $85. for just myself and my husband, and each child would have been $36.50...so, instead we decided to drive a little farther and go to a truck driver's mecca known as Carl's Corner..... but that is a whole different blog. Let's just suffice to say we spent $85.95

The next day, Sunday, we lazed in the Motel for a while, and then decided to go have a bigger meal, and go to the mall. Afterall, one lavish meal won't kill us, we are gainfully employed people with decent jobs..... so we went to Saltgrass Steakhouse, and proceeded to personally consume a whole cow at our table.....with salad and garlic mashed potatoes... and the bill $85.95. The up side to this is that we watched in awe as three grown people dove in slow motion as a tray over flowing with 24oz beverages, bread boards, salads and a pitcher of beer went tumbling to the ground splashing over the extremely annoying, loud, over-priviledged brats (*author's note* I am usually a pretty tolerant person at a restaurant. Live and let live is my motto, however I do have a problem when a table of 10 teenage-esque girls are screaming at the top of their lungs, making fun of others in the dining room at full volume, discussing their boyfriend's sexual prowess or lack thereof, and genuinely being annoying) at the next table. Hubby looked at me and said "Look baby, they included a show!"

Monday, we were supposed to come home, but we didn't know how long it would take, so we decided to go kill some time. So we drove around scenic Hutchins, TX.... in other words exits 272-276 on Interstate 45 in texas, and that ate up about 15 minutes including the turnaround under the freeway.... None of us were hungry, but felt compelled to eat AGAIN... except this time we went to Carl's Jr, and there were those of us that were distraught not to find Paris Hilton washing her car in the parking lot.

We arrived home around 9 PM last night, and Hubby and I proceeded to begin tallying our expenditures for the weekend, and found that we had just about $85.95 to our names until payday on Thursday. All in all, a successful family vacation!

Tales of a mid-thirties nothing

The difficulty in my life has been primarily my own fault. Oddly enough, that was easier. When I was 23 and getting divorced for the first time because the man I married was an abusive junkie as well as a bastard, it was acceptable. When I was 28 and my second marriage ended with my huband running off with a good friend and wife of our local Baptist preacher, at least it could be pitied, or sympathized with. Now, I am 32, working full time for a hospital, married a third (and LAST) time, raising my kids and nobody notices me. It is frustrating, I need so much more help than I ever used to, because my husband is gone 3 weeks out of every 4, and I work 9 and 10 hour days, in a thankless job where my efforts usually get credited to someone higher up than I, and I am daily fighting to keep my job. I don't drink, I don't smoke anymore, I don't do any drugs, unless you consider non-alcoholic cough syrup or diet coke as drugs. But I am supposed to be able to do all of this and still have time to have meaningful relationships with my children, and be engaged in their lives. How in the world do these women out there do it? I get home around 5:30 on a good night, I don't want to cook anything, I barely want to get off the couch..... I fix dinner for the kids, usually something that microwaves quick or pasta on the stovetop, feed them, then go collapse in front of the television for an hour or two, then I fall asleep. Then I wake up, and repeat process until Friday, when the kids want pizza and a bedtime that is an hour later than it is supposed to be. Tell me universe, is this the way happy life is supposed to be?

The ultimate obsession

Dearest Readers....

As most of you (all of you) are still getting to know me, I do have a few weaknesses in my life. I hate being late, so much so, that I will actually arrive half an hour early to my intended destination rather than be 5 minutes late. I have three kids, 2 boys and a girl, and I am convinced that they spend every single night plotting in a "pinky and the brain" fashion towards ultimate world domination, but I forgive them each morning because they are so darn cute. My absolute goal in life is to have a home of my own, and be able to take the kids to disneyworld once before they leave me forever. I do have an ultimate weakness... my kryptonite as it were.... well anti-kryptonite because I have to have the stuff... I literally can't go a day without it.... diet coke. I have composed poems to it, I have placed it on my mantle with a stick of incense and a $5 dollar bill. It is the breath of life.

Introductory Message

Hello blogosphere!!! Can I get a Whoop whoop???? Come on...... just a whoo? No? Well, ok fine! Serves me right for thinking I could get any attention out here when Fergie's wedding pictures are available.

A little about me... I am a 32 year old wife, and mother of 3. My husband is a truck driver. He works OTR... and for those of you who don't speak 'trucker' that means "Over the Road." This means he is gone more than he is home, and it is incredibly difficult to live this way. My three children are the j0ys of my world except when they are acting like total snots, and it is a total crap shoot as to whether I will get home to precious angel, or total snot. I work for a hospital as an executive assistant to three departments that comprise one division. I work very hard, and sometimes I think that maybe I live to work instead of working to live. I am hoping that someday, when the economy is better (cough*bush is gone*cough) I might be able to change jobs and work at something with a little less stress.

I am starting this blog to kind of talk about my life, and my own feelings, and because it seems like this is the logical place to talk about those things because I can't afford a therapist, and my mother wants her own life. So, here it is dear readers. I will share all.... thoughts, feelings, gripes, cheers, recipes, and events all will be here for the low subscription cost of .......Nothing!

So, please feel free to respond to my insanity... I probably won't change anything, but it is nice to have the affirmation that someone else is reading this. Unless they aren't.