Dear Readers,
I begin this blog with discomfort in my soul with some events that have been transpiring in theory, but not in actual "life." It begs the question: what is reality? Without going into the philosophy 101 analysis of what actually constitutes reality, I have to say that things in my life have become either extremely tangible, and REAL, or completely theoretical, and thus UNREAL.
I have a new car, it is financed. This provides me with both joy and fear in the very real sensation that if I don't make the payment, I will no longer have my beautiful, wonderful almost-could-be-new car. The idea of financial security is one that has been on my mind for a while now, but the financing terms are so generous, they are unbelievable, and thus I have every confidence that I will be able to meet my obligations to them. However, I don't want this to make me complacent. I will work, strive, and push myself to work in order to meet these obligations.
The more unreal portions of my life are quite annoying actually. It is based in a possibility-state, and thus could or could not be. This makes planning very difficult. I am trying to better my circumstances, my thoughts, my outlook, and keep myself out of depression, however it is extremely difficult to do so when the potential successes and failures are often held over my head, and I am tormented with them. The fear of saying the wrong words and having a mere phrase uttered impend my doom. Or having to choose one, and having that mean success or failure. The theoretical life, or potential for influence is incomprehensible because there are so many possibilities. Someone could say that they have wealth, and riches, and they will share it all with you, and then that promise dies with every day that passes. Then the days turn into months, and they still promise, but the promises get smaller, and less significant. Eventually theoretical life is replaced with reality.
The fact is, right now, I have a good dynamic in my life. I am not the disaster I once was, and I have a semblance of peace. Is it "ok" with the cosmic fates for me to just have some peace? Is that permissible by the universe? Do I need to remain in constant pain and suffering in order for things to be "right?"
I have often wondered what I would do with a million dollars. Simple, I would ensure that my children, my mother, my brother and his family all had their basic needs met, and then I would sleep, and maybe, finally actually rest. However, I know that all will be well without a million dollars. I can make a success of my life with or without the gift of money. It is in that realization, that I truly find myself free.....
I am free... you have no power over my mind or my heart. I am free from the pain, free from the sticky web that was cast over my brain, and the thistle-clad nettles that grew and ensconced themselves into my soul. You may say I will be sorry, or I will rue the day I walked away from your lies and empty promises, and believe it as much as you wish, but I am free. Freedom in poverty far outweighs bondage in wealth any day.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Life and more life
Dearest readers,
In the pursuit of this grand experience there are many things that one must learn. Mastery over things like tying one's own shoes, and dressing one's self are learned at a young age, however other things, are more introduced into life experience without a manual or a net.
The big challenge I have faced in my life is battling my overwhelming, and incapacitating desire for love. As long as I can remember, I have thirsted, dreamed and (close your eyes mother) yes..lusted after giving and receiving love. However the achievement of love, is another matter all together. I have been in three major life-commitment relationships in my life, and several others who might have approached that state, but never came in for a landing. I sacrificed so much of myself and my own life, dreams, desires to have that one elusive relationship.... I will spare you, darlings from the gory details. I am weary of re-living them myself.
Now, I find myself 34 years old, with three children (who are a blessing in my life, but a blessing that comes with many challenges of their own) and a job that I truly love, but it comes just short of paying the bills. I find myself in a predicament. It is the worst feeling in the world to come home after working a whole week, and do nothing but worry that the rent check will bounce, or that one might not have enough gas to get to work tomorrow. I don't relish that feeling one bit, but it is there every single night.
I have spent a lot of my energy worrying about it, and blaming others. I have almost $40,000 in child support that I am owed, that if I got regularly, it would make the difference between making it and not. However, nothing I say, do, or feel can force the obliged fathers to pay. It is something that I should not expect, nor depend upon. But, it would make the difference.
It is very hard to continue to have hope. However, I must. I must push through the discouragement, and find the strength to press on. Also, it is my responsibility to ensure that my children have stability, and can depend on their home life, and the foundation it provides.
I look back at almost 13 years of my life... spent searching for the one dream relationship. The pursuit began a decade earlier with my doodles of my prospective married name on my notebook in 7th grade. I think about the faces of men I have loved, and I wonder why am I the one alone? Why do I feel such a loss about being single? Will I ever find the peace I seek?
Let me end this "whine" tasting with this. Even in my darkest hour, I am so blessed. I am blessed with health and strength, and with the best kids in the universe, and the ability to love them, and watch them grow as the days pass. I am there to hug, kiss, wipe away tears, share in triumphs, and give them the ability to become people. I hope, for their sake, that I have been strong enough, and they will be good people, for I would have no greater goal in my life than to watch them grow and succeed.
As for the idea of love, and finding love..... It is still there, however, it is dusty, and cobwebbed. It is in need of repair, and a polish, but that can come........I will think about that tomorrow, or another day.
Christen
In the pursuit of this grand experience there are many things that one must learn. Mastery over things like tying one's own shoes, and dressing one's self are learned at a young age, however other things, are more introduced into life experience without a manual or a net.
The big challenge I have faced in my life is battling my overwhelming, and incapacitating desire for love. As long as I can remember, I have thirsted, dreamed and (close your eyes mother) yes..lusted after giving and receiving love. However the achievement of love, is another matter all together. I have been in three major life-commitment relationships in my life, and several others who might have approached that state, but never came in for a landing. I sacrificed so much of myself and my own life, dreams, desires to have that one elusive relationship.... I will spare you, darlings from the gory details. I am weary of re-living them myself.
Now, I find myself 34 years old, with three children (who are a blessing in my life, but a blessing that comes with many challenges of their own) and a job that I truly love, but it comes just short of paying the bills. I find myself in a predicament. It is the worst feeling in the world to come home after working a whole week, and do nothing but worry that the rent check will bounce, or that one might not have enough gas to get to work tomorrow. I don't relish that feeling one bit, but it is there every single night.
I have spent a lot of my energy worrying about it, and blaming others. I have almost $40,000 in child support that I am owed, that if I got regularly, it would make the difference between making it and not. However, nothing I say, do, or feel can force the obliged fathers to pay. It is something that I should not expect, nor depend upon. But, it would make the difference.
It is very hard to continue to have hope. However, I must. I must push through the discouragement, and find the strength to press on. Also, it is my responsibility to ensure that my children have stability, and can depend on their home life, and the foundation it provides.
I look back at almost 13 years of my life... spent searching for the one dream relationship. The pursuit began a decade earlier with my doodles of my prospective married name on my notebook in 7th grade. I think about the faces of men I have loved, and I wonder why am I the one alone? Why do I feel such a loss about being single? Will I ever find the peace I seek?
Let me end this "whine" tasting with this. Even in my darkest hour, I am so blessed. I am blessed with health and strength, and with the best kids in the universe, and the ability to love them, and watch them grow as the days pass. I am there to hug, kiss, wipe away tears, share in triumphs, and give them the ability to become people. I hope, for their sake, that I have been strong enough, and they will be good people, for I would have no greater goal in my life than to watch them grow and succeed.
As for the idea of love, and finding love..... It is still there, however, it is dusty, and cobwebbed. It is in need of repair, and a polish, but that can come........I will think about that tomorrow, or another day.
Christen
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Blogging to the Rythym of my Heart
Darling readers,
It is with great appreciation and in general awe that I begin this blog entry in tribute to you.... the few, the proud, the ones with nothing better to do!
When I started this blog, I had no readership... I had no one person out there, in the vast universe who wanted to read my blog, my thoughts, or participate in my insanity. Today, I can proudly say that I have 4 bonafide followers!!!!!!!!!! So, yes.... my readership has grown 400% in the year-plus that I have been blogging.
In returning to my past blog entries, I have cried, laughed, turned red, and wondered what I was smoking and where the dealer was that I bought it from...(funny, no memory of that). It was a fun 20 minutes strolling down memory lane, but I feel that i have grown.
In celebration of the future, I have decided to post a blog entry once a week (that is christen-speak for more often than I have in the past), This is my first entry towards that commitment. What topics shall I blog about? What does the public want?
*crickets*
*chirpy crickets*
well, wasn't that fun???
Tune in next week to hear my perspectives on the Dis-Astros and how things haven't been the same since Biggio retired! No? I am not a sports fan, nor do I follow baseball. Hmmmmm, this poses a problem.
What about the latest celebrity gossip? Tune in to read all about the new Sandra Bullock baby!!! No.... I don't live in LA, and I admire any woman who can adopt a child... no dirt there.
Hmmmmmmmm,
OH NO! My blogger is BLOCKED!!! I guess I will have to wait to post another blog when the spirit moves me....
Infomercials? Lady GAGA? Kids TV? AHHHHHGGGGGHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSMMMMMMMMMMM Ugh
It is with great appreciation and in general awe that I begin this blog entry in tribute to you.... the few, the proud, the ones with nothing better to do!
When I started this blog, I had no readership... I had no one person out there, in the vast universe who wanted to read my blog, my thoughts, or participate in my insanity. Today, I can proudly say that I have 4 bonafide followers!!!!!!!!!! So, yes.... my readership has grown 400% in the year-plus that I have been blogging.
In returning to my past blog entries, I have cried, laughed, turned red, and wondered what I was smoking and where the dealer was that I bought it from...(funny, no memory of that). It was a fun 20 minutes strolling down memory lane, but I feel that i have grown.
In celebration of the future, I have decided to post a blog entry once a week (that is christen-speak for more often than I have in the past), This is my first entry towards that commitment. What topics shall I blog about? What does the public want?
*crickets*
*chirpy crickets*
well, wasn't that fun???
Tune in next week to hear my perspectives on the Dis-Astros and how things haven't been the same since Biggio retired! No? I am not a sports fan, nor do I follow baseball. Hmmmmm, this poses a problem.
What about the latest celebrity gossip? Tune in to read all about the new Sandra Bullock baby!!! No.... I don't live in LA, and I admire any woman who can adopt a child... no dirt there.
Hmmmmmmmm,
OH NO! My blogger is BLOCKED!!! I guess I will have to wait to post another blog when the spirit moves me....
Infomercials? Lady GAGA? Kids TV? AHHHHHGGGGGHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSMMMMMMMMMMM Ugh
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