Life and more life

Dearest readers,

In the pursuit of this grand experience there are many things that one must learn. Mastery over things like tying one's own shoes, and dressing one's self are learned at a young age, however other things, are more introduced into life experience without a manual or a net.

The big challenge I have faced in my life is battling my overwhelming, and incapacitating desire for love. As long as I can remember, I have thirsted, dreamed and (close your eyes mother) yes..lusted after giving and receiving love. However the achievement of love, is another matter all together. I have been in three major life-commitment relationships in my life, and several others who might have approached that state, but never came in for a landing. I sacrificed so much of myself and my own life, dreams, desires to have that one elusive relationship.... I will spare you, darlings from the gory details. I am weary of re-living them myself.

Now, I find myself 34 years old, with three children (who are a blessing in my life, but a blessing that comes with many challenges of their own) and a job that I truly love, but it comes just short of paying the bills. I find myself in a predicament. It is the worst feeling in the world to come home after working a whole week, and do nothing but worry that the rent check will bounce, or that one might not have enough gas to get to work tomorrow. I don't relish that feeling one bit, but it is there every single night.

I have spent a lot of my energy worrying about it, and blaming others. I have almost $40,000 in child support that I am owed, that if I got regularly, it would make the difference between making it and not. However, nothing I say, do, or feel can force the obliged fathers to pay. It is something that I should not expect, nor depend upon. But, it would make the difference.

It is very hard to continue to have hope. However, I must. I must push through the discouragement, and find the strength to press on. Also, it is my responsibility to ensure that my children have stability, and can depend on their home life, and the foundation it provides.

I look back at almost 13 years of my life... spent searching for the one dream relationship. The pursuit began a decade earlier with my doodles of my prospective married name on my notebook in 7th grade. I think about the faces of men I have loved, and I wonder why am I the one alone? Why do I feel such a loss about being single? Will I ever find the peace I seek?

Let me end this "whine" tasting with this. Even in my darkest hour, I am so blessed. I am blessed with health and strength, and with the best kids in the universe, and the ability to love them, and watch them grow as the days pass. I am there to hug, kiss, wipe away tears, share in triumphs, and give them the ability to become people. I hope, for their sake, that I have been strong enough, and they will be good people, for I would have no greater goal in my life than to watch them grow and succeed.

As for the idea of love, and finding love..... It is still there, however, it is dusty, and cobwebbed. It is in need of repair, and a polish, but that can come........I will think about that tomorrow, or another day.

Christen