It wouldn't be the holidays without holiday songs. And this one, to me, embodies the true spirit of Christmas with a peppy, up beat, rockin tempo. However, whenever I play this song, and a friend asks "Wow, who is this by?" I have to answer.....

BARENAKED LADIES

Of course, BNL are fully clothed men, but still. It almost didn't make the office party playlist because of the band name.

*sigh*

So, I urge you strongly to celebrate the season with some Barenaked Ladies!!!

Merry Christmas!

Financial Renaissance

Well, darling readers, I continue to endeavor on my eternal quest for improvement and overcoming my past stupidity. Now comes the part that we have all been waiting for.....

I have stabilized my home conditions, check.... The kids are fed, and clothed, and watered, and then sent into the sunlight to grow and photosynthesize... now it is time to clean up THE MONEY....




Let's just say this is where my past can really hurt. I downloaded my annual credit reports today. I have lots of work to do, but I know I can do it. I can overcome this. Then, maybe... someday... a mortgage? A home of my very own that I can keep forever and ever, and name something silly like "the Respite" or " the fluffy poodle" I don't know.. the names need work. My heart sank when I saw bills dating back to 2004, while I was dealing with the aftermath of Dustin's birth, and I wasn't working. Now it is time to pay the piper, and the doctor, and all the other places where I couldn't pay.

I will overcome, and then I will go shopping.. someday......

Returning from Hiatus

Well darling readers, or at least those of you who haven't turned yourselves towards other more exciting blogs... I know it has been a while, we have experienced a whole summer of eventful life, and I have failed in my duty to write snarkily about it.

So, my "what I did on my summer vacation, and first (one two three) three and a half months of school!

1. I worked. Yes, dearest ones. I am what is known as a "workaholic wannabee" I truly wish I could have the time and flexibility to work around the clock, thus incurring more money than I currently do, however, I have three little
"boss wannabee"s at home that make me think I work around the clock. However, work is good. I have done new student orientation, three student parties, and the annual residency showcase since I saw you last, and boy, my feet are tired.

2. I "mom"-ed. This summer was an especially challenging one for me with my youngest son, Little Dude. He spent the majority of the summer off medication, after a particularly encouraging visit with his Dad and step-mom. AHE (abbreviation need only be explained that it refers to my ex husband) believed so strongly that he would parent the need for medication out of my son... while on vacation, with little restriction, and lots of other kids, and fun, and yikes.... I attempted to maintain this. Then school started. LD made it to day three before ending up in the principal's office, and four weeks before he had to be hospitalized in a psychiatric facility for children. Now he takes four medications, and he is a sweet, loving little handful, just like a six year old should be. He still has several really bad habits he needs to get rid of, like pushing people, and yelling, but those will come with time, and possibly duct tape.

3. I friended.. In my younger years, I didn't have very many friends, I think this was due to my social akwardness, and lack of know-how in the friend department. I think that my mental state.... well that is a WHOLE other entry... Anyhow, I have a few people in my life that truly count as friends now. My BFF's or otherwise known as "friblings" (a term coined by my BFF 1) which is a sibling of emotional adoption rather than natural birth, which in actuality makes them closer to me than my actual siblings, but I digress. These two BFFs actually hang out with me... and do things!!!! We see each other at church, and go to dinner at each others houses. We have bonded over international culture, clothing and cuisine. In the end, BFF 1 and 2 are precious to me, and I am grateful for them.

4. I moved-- yep, boomeranged back in with the Mom. However, it is a mutually beneficial situation, and it is working. Stability for the kids, and Mom gets the income help. Win win.. don't judge me..

4. I improved -- This one is the most significant, however the most boring of my updates. I have gone from brunette to blonde, finalized a divorce, and started to love myself again. I have started to try and look at myself in the mirror without seeing an ugly, unformed creature staring back at me, but a child of God, deserving of love and happiness.

So, darling readers, I have had a wonderful and significant summer plus couple of months of school. Things are good, not perfect, but good. Now, for the holidays, and the planned return of lonliness and self-loathing. But until then.... SMILE

It is difficult to actually pinpoint the exact moment that one goes insane. However, I think I passed that point a few weeks back. I am trying to move, get my kids moved to a new school, my oldest into junior high, my mother recovered from a recent illness, etc.

Also, this is my busiest time at work. All the work that I have to do in a year culminates at this point. UGH. I need a jacuzzi, I need calgon, I need Ed McMahon to bring me one of those gigantic checks that are impossible to cash at the bank so I can render ultimate death and destruction when they won't accept it at the teller window.

....


Ok, I am better now. Or not.

I will try to write more on Monday, after orientation is over.

Then I can sleep... until the following Monday... at least I think...

Cleaning the cobwebs and dust bunnies out of my soul

Darling Readers,

I trust that if you are reading this, you are a trusted, beloved friend. Or else you have nothing better to do....

In this particular entry, the dirtiest laundry of my possession will be aired, and let me tell you, it is RANK!!! So, those with small children, heart problems, or who saw the purpose to the production of the Hannah Montana movie should probably abstain.

****************no food or drinks beyond this point*********************************

So, you're still here. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone.

Let us begin about eight and a half years ago, when I met a man. This man was tall, handsome, charismatic, and had enough energy to liven up a room of cloistered nuns. It was easy to love him. I remember standing on my front lawn, and asking him if he was prepared for me to give him my heart, but don't accept it unless he was prepared to take responsibility for it.... then he kissed me, and it was his.

Fast forward three years....

I was sitting on the bed, next to my husband of 2.89 years... just six weeks shy of our third anniversary. He needed to get up and go to work. I looked at him and asked him if he even liked me anymore... did he want me to leave. He did not answer me. He just looked at the floor. I then replied, then I guess it is time for me to go. He encouraged me to go to my parents, to get myself together, and to leave the children there if I was more comfortable. Then he walked out the door. That was the last time I saw the man who was my husband.....

Fast forward five years.....

Today, I sit at my desk, weeping because right now, my babies are with him. He has remarried, had more children, lived an entire life... Now, my babies, my whole world, is in his hands. Situations have transpired, and things have happened, that should be in the past. However, my heart is still as tender today as it was 5 years ago when I called my former residence, and heard "This is David Vaughn...." when earlier that morning it had been "You have reached the Vaughn family...."

Today, I sat, in disbelief, but unable to withdraw myself from getting a royal ass chewing by her.... the woman he married following me. I just sat there. She told me that I was just a drama queen, and that I must enjoy stirring things up. She told me that I overreact too much. She told me that I had no right to have the feelings I do after all this time, and normal people move on, and get over their divorces. I just sat there.

The truth is, I am so overwhelmed by my responsibilities in life that I often don't know how I am going to keep going for one more day, but I jealously guard those responsibilities for fear that I will be branded a failure.... might as well get a bright red "F" and emblazon it upon my very bosom. How can I keep going? How can I move forward?

The fact is, I am doing the best I can, and anyone who has a problem with that can go home and pray for the ability to accept it. I am harder on myself than anyone else could possibly be. I know all my faults, and that knowledge breeds more and more insecurities.

I can't say that this story has a happily ever after, the end has not been discovered.

Power to the People

Dear Readers,

I begin this blog with discomfort in my soul with some events that have been transpiring in theory, but not in actual "life." It begs the question: what is reality? Without going into the philosophy 101 analysis of what actually constitutes reality, I have to say that things in my life have become either extremely tangible, and REAL, or completely theoretical, and thus UNREAL.

I have a new car, it is financed. This provides me with both joy and fear in the very real sensation that if I don't make the payment, I will no longer have my beautiful, wonderful almost-could-be-new car. The idea of financial security is one that has been on my mind for a while now, but the financing terms are so generous, they are unbelievable, and thus I have every confidence that I will be able to meet my obligations to them. However, I don't want this to make me complacent. I will work, strive, and push myself to work in order to meet these obligations.

The more unreal portions of my life are quite annoying actually. It is based in a possibility-state, and thus could or could not be. This makes planning very difficult. I am trying to better my circumstances, my thoughts, my outlook, and keep myself out of depression, however it is extremely difficult to do so when the potential successes and failures are often held over my head, and I am tormented with them. The fear of saying the wrong words and having a mere phrase uttered impend my doom. Or having to choose one, and having that mean success or failure. The theoretical life, or potential for influence is incomprehensible because there are so many possibilities. Someone could say that they have wealth, and riches, and they will share it all with you, and then that promise dies with every day that passes. Then the days turn into months, and they still promise, but the promises get smaller, and less significant. Eventually theoretical life is replaced with reality.

The fact is, right now, I have a good dynamic in my life. I am not the disaster I once was, and I have a semblance of peace. Is it "ok" with the cosmic fates for me to just have some peace? Is that permissible by the universe? Do I need to remain in constant pain and suffering in order for things to be "right?"

I have often wondered what I would do with a million dollars. Simple, I would ensure that my children, my mother, my brother and his family all had their basic needs met, and then I would sleep, and maybe, finally actually rest. However, I know that all will be well without a million dollars. I can make a success of my life with or without the gift of money. It is in that realization, that I truly find myself free.....

I am free... you have no power over my mind or my heart. I am free from the pain, free from the sticky web that was cast over my brain, and the thistle-clad nettles that grew and ensconced themselves into my soul. You may say I will be sorry, or I will rue the day I walked away from your lies and empty promises, and believe it as much as you wish, but I am free. Freedom in poverty far outweighs bondage in wealth any day.

Life and more life

Dearest readers,

In the pursuit of this grand experience there are many things that one must learn. Mastery over things like tying one's own shoes, and dressing one's self are learned at a young age, however other things, are more introduced into life experience without a manual or a net.

The big challenge I have faced in my life is battling my overwhelming, and incapacitating desire for love. As long as I can remember, I have thirsted, dreamed and (close your eyes mother) yes..lusted after giving and receiving love. However the achievement of love, is another matter all together. I have been in three major life-commitment relationships in my life, and several others who might have approached that state, but never came in for a landing. I sacrificed so much of myself and my own life, dreams, desires to have that one elusive relationship.... I will spare you, darlings from the gory details. I am weary of re-living them myself.

Now, I find myself 34 years old, with three children (who are a blessing in my life, but a blessing that comes with many challenges of their own) and a job that I truly love, but it comes just short of paying the bills. I find myself in a predicament. It is the worst feeling in the world to come home after working a whole week, and do nothing but worry that the rent check will bounce, or that one might not have enough gas to get to work tomorrow. I don't relish that feeling one bit, but it is there every single night.

I have spent a lot of my energy worrying about it, and blaming others. I have almost $40,000 in child support that I am owed, that if I got regularly, it would make the difference between making it and not. However, nothing I say, do, or feel can force the obliged fathers to pay. It is something that I should not expect, nor depend upon. But, it would make the difference.

It is very hard to continue to have hope. However, I must. I must push through the discouragement, and find the strength to press on. Also, it is my responsibility to ensure that my children have stability, and can depend on their home life, and the foundation it provides.

I look back at almost 13 years of my life... spent searching for the one dream relationship. The pursuit began a decade earlier with my doodles of my prospective married name on my notebook in 7th grade. I think about the faces of men I have loved, and I wonder why am I the one alone? Why do I feel such a loss about being single? Will I ever find the peace I seek?

Let me end this "whine" tasting with this. Even in my darkest hour, I am so blessed. I am blessed with health and strength, and with the best kids in the universe, and the ability to love them, and watch them grow as the days pass. I am there to hug, kiss, wipe away tears, share in triumphs, and give them the ability to become people. I hope, for their sake, that I have been strong enough, and they will be good people, for I would have no greater goal in my life than to watch them grow and succeed.

As for the idea of love, and finding love..... It is still there, however, it is dusty, and cobwebbed. It is in need of repair, and a polish, but that can come........I will think about that tomorrow, or another day.

Christen

Blogging to the Rythym of my Heart

Darling readers,

It is with great appreciation and in general awe that I begin this blog entry in tribute to you.... the few, the proud, the ones with nothing better to do!

When I started this blog, I had no readership... I had no one person out there, in the vast universe who wanted to read my blog, my thoughts, or participate in my insanity. Today, I can proudly say that I have 4 bonafide followers!!!!!!!!!! So, yes.... my readership has grown 400% in the year-plus that I have been blogging.

In returning to my past blog entries, I have cried, laughed, turned red, and wondered what I was smoking and where the dealer was that I bought it from...(funny, no memory of that). It was a fun 20 minutes strolling down memory lane, but I feel that i have grown.

In celebration of the future, I have decided to post a blog entry once a week (that is christen-speak for more often than I have in the past), This is my first entry towards that commitment. What topics shall I blog about? What does the public want?

*crickets*
*chirpy crickets*

well, wasn't that fun???

Tune in next week to hear my perspectives on the Dis-Astros and how things haven't been the same since Biggio retired! No? I am not a sports fan, nor do I follow baseball. Hmmmmm, this poses a problem.

What about the latest celebrity gossip? Tune in to read all about the new Sandra Bullock baby!!! No.... I don't live in LA, and I admire any woman who can adopt a child... no dirt there.


Hmmmmmmmm,


OH NO! My blogger is BLOCKED!!! I guess I will have to wait to post another blog when the spirit moves me....

Infomercials? Lady GAGA? Kids TV? AHHHHHGGGGGHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSMMMMMMMMMMM Ugh

Looking at Motherhood in my life

For every single mother out there, time management becomes a problem. For some more celebrity mothers, it is common to hire someone to raise...er, I mean care for your children in your absence. For us "just above the poverty level, but still don't have enough to make it till next payday" moms, that is just not an option.

So, the dilemma becomes: Do I spend enough time with my children?

The answer to this questions is quite complex. For this one must evaluate the state of the maternal relationship with said children, and what better to do that then a QUIZ!!!!!!!

1. Could my children pick me out of a photo lineup?

This question is fundamental in the determination of a healthy relationship, if your children cannot pick your picture out of a set of photos of similar looking women, maybe you should practice with them more!

2. Do my children know my first name?

In my experience, any child should be able to answer this one correctly. In asking my youngest child, Little Dude, he promptly answered "What a silly question, I know your name is MOM!!" And so it goes...

3. Do I help my children with their homework or other school activities?

This one is deceptively simple. The fact is, my children don't WANT me to help... I tend to mess things up, and my sense of color is all wrong, and I tend to miss the lines now and then.

4. Do I provide my children with a healthy, and nutritious diet?

Yes! I can answer this one straight out... however, do they eat it? NO!!!! I will spend an hour grilling chicken, and steaming fresh veggies, only to have them look at it make a comment containing the word "weird" and then ask for spaghetti-os. But not the "O" shaped ones... the alphabet shaped ones... so they can practice their spelling words. I know, smart Mom, smart indeed.

5. Do I set a good example for my children?

Only a child who has grown up, and experienced the joys of parenthood themselves would really be able to adequately answer this question. However, I can say that my children only curse in public when angry, do not take their clothes off in public, don't go to the office at school everyday (anymore) and don't deliberately hurt people (except their siblings). I call that a winning combination!

All in all, I think my relationship with my children is sound, solid and unbreakable. I know their dreams, hopes, and shortcomings. I am there with the tears, laughs, and only a fever of 102, and disgusting stomach virus could keep me from every soccer game, or event. My daughter, upon graduating pre-school looked up into the audience and with the sweetest baby voice declared "I love you Mommy" and that moment, made all the sleepless nights, and dirty diapers, and temper tantrums worth it. I only hope that something similar will occur at her graduations from high school and college, and grad school, and veterinary school, and PhD school, etc.

Here's to all the Moms out there who work for their kids, both in the home and out, and for those of us who do both, have an extra diet coke today!

SLEEP -- Find out what you mean to me!

Dearest Readers,

It seems that of late I have been chasing a new unrequited love. I have been seeking high and low only to come up short night after night. Oh, how I long for the sweet, delicious soft caress of a FULL NIGHT'S SLEEP.

It was bearable at first, all those many moons ago. I could go to bed at 12, wake up at 5:30 and be able to get moving, and go through a whole day. Even after I had the children.... Zachary was an extremely energetic baby, and I could keep pace with him. However, the past year or so, I fall asleep at 9:30 or 10 and am up again by 12 and watching infomercials on the latest food preparation miracle that will take the place of all my current kitchen appliances for the low low price of 5 payments of $89.95, or the latest breakthrough in weightloss technology that makes everyone but YOU lose all the weight they want. ( Author's note: It is slightly more bearable since Turner Network Television actually runs crime dramas through most nights. At least I can catch up on my Cold Case)

What's that you say? Weekends? Why can't I catch up on sleep on the weekends, you ask? Well, because my children have no concept of SLEEPING IN. By 7 AM on Saturdays I am faced with three gorgeous, yet persistently hungry faces in my face asking what I am going to cook for breakfast. When I suggest that they make themselves a bowl of cereal, each child picks up a piece of furniture and threatens to sacrifice it to the pancake diety unless I get up and make with the pancakes. Then we go to Denny's.

I miss sleep...and I have discovered, that sleep really does make you pretty.


Before


After




Pray for me dearest readers. Pray that the sandman and I work things out and live happily ever after. Or if he isn't available, then his manly, and rugged looking brother Joaquin.

Table for one: When did I grow a third eye?

In my adult life, I have had many an occasion to dine in a restaurant sans company. As a matter of fact, a therapist once commanded it of me as "wellness homework.". One would think that it wouldn't be a big deal after the first four or five times. Uh-uh. I walked into a casual establishment, and it started with the hostess. "Just the three of ya'll?". Of course the couple snapped "no, table for two". Since being seated, the looks, glances of pity, and hushed whispers give me no pause. I am going to eat and leave. Maybe not socialized, but well fed!

How to shop effectively: Does that come in leather?

Dear readers, women today are often stereotyped to be frivalous creatures for whom the spending of currency is like unto a competitive sport. This couldn't be more true! Any woman who has earned her "woman card" has spent a tireless day trudging through the mall with bags on her arms, dragging her tired aching feet to one more sale. This is the nectar of life, especially if you got the "last one they had" of anything.

However, a new luxury has been offered to me..... a colleague has lost a lot of weight. I mean a LOT. She looks fabulous. She looks as though one deflated her. She, being the well paid, brilliant academic that she is, has exsquisite taste in clothes, and has the shopping gold medal. She is now wanting to unload the clothes that she spent so many years accumulating, but doesn't want to go to waste. Enter Christen... Christen, who has the panash, the spunk, the sheer charisma to be a fashionista, without the wallet or the credit limit. This colleague who thought nothing of walking into Bloomingdale's, Lane Bryant, or Donna Karan is bestowing these precious treasures of fashion to ME!!!! My wardrobe is going to have puppies! Some of the pieces I have already acquired would cost me hundreds of dollars in stores, and I get them for the low low cost of "whatever you can carry"

I love America! May we continue to be shallow consumerists who are obsessed with being thin!

Eye makeup and other Feminine Hazards

From the time I was a little girl, I wanted to be a beauty queen. I wanted to look out over the adoring crowd, smile the Vaseline smile, and wave with my fingers stuck together like a flipper. Alas, my beauty is not conventional..... however, I recently took a journey that I can never return from.... life will just never be the same since I ventured into the domain of the SMOKY EYE!!!

For my job, I work with college professors, and students. There is something abundant in academia that makes people who work at and attend colleges extremely attractive, and trendy, and thin. So, I have gone on a diet, and lost......... some weight.... we won't discuss how much.... but the notch on the scale didn't go over as far at the doctor's office! No, we won't mention not wearing shoes...MOVING ON!

I was channel hopping the other evening while waiting for the latest installment of "Teen Mom" to come on MTV, when I saw a demonstration in creating the smoky eye.... This is the latest trend in eye makeup that is supposed to look like this:



So, being the intelligent, capable woman that I am, I tried to apply these techniques to myself this morning.



So, yeah. The smoky eye not the greatest look for me. Maybe I would have better luck with the airbrush... it is only $99.95... come on now.............. OH WAIT!!! What about the curling iron that rotates while you use it.... now THAT is right up my alley......

*sigh* I give up

Absence of Song Lyrics

What is it about music that makes it so universally attractive? The rhythm? The melody? I believe that it is the fact that there is a song written about EVERYTHING. However, in my recent life, I actually have found no song lyrics that embody what I am feeling.

I have been through country music, but I am not in prison, nor is anyone in my immediate family. I am healthy, don't drink, and do not own a dog.

I have been through pop music, and I am not thin, attractive, or young anymore so that doesn't apply to me.

I have been through hip hop, and while my posterior is significant in size, I find that most hip-hop lyrics don't apply to me.

I have been through grunge, metal, indie, techno, big band, etc, and found nothing.

*sigh* I guess my angst hasn't been written yet. I will be patient.. for a while.

Look ma, No laptop!

In the pursuit of enlightenment in the new decade, I was thoroughly blessed with the excuse to get a blackberry smartphone. In this, a whole new world has opened in front of my very eyes. The magificent wonder encompassed in two words... Mobile blogging!