Cleaning the cobwebs and dust bunnies out of my soul

Darling Readers,

I trust that if you are reading this, you are a trusted, beloved friend. Or else you have nothing better to do....

In this particular entry, the dirtiest laundry of my possession will be aired, and let me tell you, it is RANK!!! So, those with small children, heart problems, or who saw the purpose to the production of the Hannah Montana movie should probably abstain.

****************no food or drinks beyond this point*********************************

So, you're still here. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone.

Let us begin about eight and a half years ago, when I met a man. This man was tall, handsome, charismatic, and had enough energy to liven up a room of cloistered nuns. It was easy to love him. I remember standing on my front lawn, and asking him if he was prepared for me to give him my heart, but don't accept it unless he was prepared to take responsibility for it.... then he kissed me, and it was his.

Fast forward three years....

I was sitting on the bed, next to my husband of 2.89 years... just six weeks shy of our third anniversary. He needed to get up and go to work. I looked at him and asked him if he even liked me anymore... did he want me to leave. He did not answer me. He just looked at the floor. I then replied, then I guess it is time for me to go. He encouraged me to go to my parents, to get myself together, and to leave the children there if I was more comfortable. Then he walked out the door. That was the last time I saw the man who was my husband.....

Fast forward five years.....

Today, I sit at my desk, weeping because right now, my babies are with him. He has remarried, had more children, lived an entire life... Now, my babies, my whole world, is in his hands. Situations have transpired, and things have happened, that should be in the past. However, my heart is still as tender today as it was 5 years ago when I called my former residence, and heard "This is David Vaughn...." when earlier that morning it had been "You have reached the Vaughn family...."

Today, I sat, in disbelief, but unable to withdraw myself from getting a royal ass chewing by her.... the woman he married following me. I just sat there. She told me that I was just a drama queen, and that I must enjoy stirring things up. She told me that I overreact too much. She told me that I had no right to have the feelings I do after all this time, and normal people move on, and get over their divorces. I just sat there.

The truth is, I am so overwhelmed by my responsibilities in life that I often don't know how I am going to keep going for one more day, but I jealously guard those responsibilities for fear that I will be branded a failure.... might as well get a bright red "F" and emblazon it upon my very bosom. How can I keep going? How can I move forward?

The fact is, I am doing the best I can, and anyone who has a problem with that can go home and pray for the ability to accept it. I am harder on myself than anyone else could possibly be. I know all my faults, and that knowledge breeds more and more insecurities.

I can't say that this story has a happily ever after, the end has not been discovered.