Commencement Time

In my efforts to navigate through this crazy thing we call life, I have graduated a couple of times. I hardly remember graduating from Kindergarten.... I have vague flashes of my beloved Kindergarten teacher (and now dear friend) Ms. Duvall handing me my tiny plastic diploma, and allowing me to hug her thighs, awkwardly. I remember my graduation from 8th grade, which was in a time before such events were celebrated as they are today. I remember my graduation from high school... I was still trying to find one of my teachers to make sure I passed a final exam before the ceremony. (Sorry Mom.. I don't know if you knew that part)

Today, I graduate from my viewpoint on life. In the past week, I have had several epiphanies about how I lived, and my own viewpoint on how life should be. I have spent most of my energy in this blog complaining about how bad things happen to me, when the point has always been that I allowed it to happen. The wave of emotion that hit me when I realized that my misfortune wasn't because I was cursed, (but was due to the fact that I welcomed misfortune like a guest with good soap, and fluffy towels) created a Tsunami in my chest.

My focus in this life has been finding my other half. Finding a man with whom I could love, and make a life with, and when that pursuit became too hard, I took the path of least resistance. The fallout was devastating. I should have known then that I should stop trying. Instead, I allowed mistake #2 to bind his soul with mine in the House of God. The fallout of that is still hitting me like I have a target painted on my backside. I should have known then.... Here I sit, in the midst of fallout of mistake #3, and I wonder.... What does someone such as myself deserve? The iron maiden? The rack? A public beheading? The pain I have had to endure? -- I have reaped what I have sown for myself and my children.

So, it is now time to cast off the shackles that adorn my heart. If the pain is my own, then I must take command of it. I can live passionately, and with some joy even in the absence of my fondest dream. I have my children, and one day I will have grandchildren. I have my mother, who is dearer to me than my own life. I have good friends, and that circle grows daily. I have books to read, and movies to watch, and snarky remarks to utter.

So, dearest readers, I move the tassel to the other side of my life, and begin anew. Since it is a graduation of sorts... I think I will go get myself a gift. If you need me, I will be at Ross!